The hurricane

For granted.

When I had my first child it all came so easily. Sure we had to try for a few months and there were a few rainclouds along the way, but it all seemed so effortless. Almost like he was dreamed into existence. He fit so effortlessly into our plan for our lives. He achieved every developmental milestone at or ahead of schedule. Actually it was all so blissfully fluid that I only glanced at the books and rarely worried about my sweet smelling smiley boy. I relished glancing at the checklists and mentally ticking off his latest accomplishment. His existence and his typicalness were so expected and I knew no different. It was like the pattern of the waves on a sandy beach rhythmic, expected, calm, and perfect.

 Then my second child came along. He was unplanned, certainly not unwanted, simply unplanned. He seemed to will himself into existence he came to us like a spring rainstorm on the ocean; gentle and refreshing but still somewhat shocking in it's fast appearance. Quickly the storm was over and my life returned to rhythmic waves of predictability. He was born in all his sweet perfection. There was a little wind the day of his birth. It was almost as if God were testing us for what was to come. Still the pattern of life was smooth and expected. Then came the hurricane. In less the a second everything changed, all of the things I knew, the ebb and flow of my life, were instantly different. There were dark clouds of doubt and pounding rains of uncertainty. The winds of change came fast and fierce. The storm left it's destructive mark on out life. Nothing about our new life felt like that ordered rhythm I had loved and come to expect. Nothing I though was certain was. Everything I had expected now hung in the air like fog clouding my new reality. Where I had once expected that my sons would meet every milestone, be able to do anything they wanted in life, now I doubted all of it. I wasn't even sure if my sweet innocent son would ever sit up or walk. Those milestone charts I had and the books I had partially read didn't prepare me for this. The hardest part was that this hurricane was beating on my shores while the rest of existence went along unchanged and unaware. Now I dreaded the milestone charts, I hated thinking about what he wasn't accomplishing that he was "supposed" to. Pretty soon though the storm had passed and I was taught to see through the fog. The waves of everyday life began washing up on the beach of my now uncertain life. You know what I realized? That despite the fact that the hurricane had changed things despite the scars it had left; there were still the waves and the beauty of life. So it was that God taught me to look through the fog. And when I chose to see the light the fog got thinner and thinner. I chose to not see the checklists anymore. I rejoiced when my charming cherub accomplished new things in his own way and on his own schedule. I came back to my new reality, and surprise I loved it. I came to look back at the hurricane and think, life before was wonderful, but only because of the destruction could I see our new perfection. And so the tide went in and out in it's steady and wonderful beat on my perfect, happy, uncertain shores.

6 pictures of my 5 year old!

Sweet sleepy one day old, my first baby, my soft skinned sweetie

Smiley, giggly one year old, my wild wiggler

Happy, gentle, two year old, my little lad

Thoughtful, friendly, three year old, my wise wonderer

Adventurous, energetic four year old, my cherished child

Funny, bright, five year old, my glorious gift

Children's Day

Happy Children's Day! We celebrated Children's Day by taking our boys out to our favorite Korean restaurant. Miles was loving himself some bi-bim-bop. He insisted on wrapping it in lettuce just like daddy does with his dae-ji-bulgogi. I must say that Isaac was the hit of the resturant tonight the sever was carrying him around speaking to him in Korean and he was loving it.

My growing boys.

Since there is NO news on the adoption front I wanted to post a little about my growing boys. They are such sweet little men and I am honored to be their mom.

Miles is still learning at such a fast pace. He is a total crack-up. Here are some recent Miles funnies.

He has designated us the "spice team."

Dad is Pepper.

Mom is Chili Powder.

Miles is Salt.

Isaac is Garlic.

Abeni is Ginger.

Our Pilot is the Spice Rack.

(Yes he came up with this all on his own.)

He walked up to me about two months ago and said "Mom call me Science." Then at Tae Kwon Do the kids were all yelling out their names before they performed and he yelled out "My name is Science." 

He started calling Isaac Cupcake; "because he is small and sweet."

And then he said "You can call me Basket cause I'm big and I can be full of it."

Isaac is as sweet as ever. He is growing and is actually too tall for some of his pants. The problem is that he is so skinny that they fall of his little body. Here are some of Isaac's recent accomplishments.

Is able to go potty in the potty sometimes.

He can spell Miles (he won't spell Isaac.)

He can sing the ABC's.

He can count to 14.

Here are some of favorite things about him right now.

He is completely smitten with his Great Grandma "Happy." She is the only person he insisted on inviting to his birthday party.

He informed me this week that he "Has a serious problem."

He is super cuddly. 

He has a girlfriend. He calls her "lover."

What's in a Name?

When Michael and I were expecting our first child we spent LOTS of time discussing names. We both suggested names that we thought "sounded good." We both suggested family names. We thought and thought and talked and talked. Then we decided we really wanted to name our children names that had meaning and significance.

A few days before Miles was born we were still thinking about names. Michael was searching the internet and looked up nick-names for Michael. He found Miles, an old nickname for Michael which means soldier. We loved that name and when Miles was born it fit him perfectly. We added the middle name Kent in honor of my grandfather. He was a loving and caring man and we wanted Miles to have those traits.

When I found out I was expecting our second child Miles was only 14 months old. He was very verbal. I asked him when I was 2 or three months along I told him, "Mommy is going to have a baby brother or sister. What do you think we should name the baby?" He looked up at me with those big blue eyes and said, "Happy." He stuck with "Happy" through the remainder of my pregnancy so when it came close to time to have Isaac we looked for names that meant happy. We found Isaac which means "he will laugh." We thought it was a lovely name and when Isaac was born the name fit him perfectly. We chose the middle name Lynn to honor a man who had a great influence in Michael's life.

I have looked at lots of name books and websites in my life. I don't remember when but a long time ago I came across the name Abeni. It is an African name that means, we prayed for this little girl and God gave her to us. Sometimes the meaning is shortened to girl prayed for. I loved that meaning and thought if I ever had a daughter I would name her Abeni. (Ab like Abby, a like a ball, and nee like knee.) We will be leaving her Korean name as her middle name. We are considering giving her an american middle name also. We haven't decided on that yet.

Going to sleep!

In Korea right now my daughter is falling asleep in her foster mothers arms. Sleep well little one! Here is my referral day letter to Abeni.


Dear Abeni,

You are a gorgeous baby! Today Daddy and I saw your face for the first time. You are a tough little cookie. Miles was so excited to see you he kept saying "She is amazing!" "I can't believe we got our referral." "She is my cute sister." Isaac said "we call her abby she be my baby." I love to look at the picture of you and think about what you will like to do. I wonder if you will be a tom-boy like me or more of a girly-girl. Will you like to read or draw? Will you be wild like Miles or more cuddly like Isaac? You have an amazing foster mother who is taking such good care of you. I can't wait until I have you in my arms. I hope you grow up strong and happy. Daddy and I will be doing everything we can to get to Korea to get you soon. We love you little girl.

Movie Review-Or my thoughts about myself after watching a movie.

So last night Michael brought home "My Sisters Keeper" and I snuggled up on the couch with my favorite quilt to watch while he worked on powerwheels. First let me say that I loved that this movie made me think. I have a sick child. There I said it. I sometimes pretend that he is fine but in reality he is sick. Isaac is not terminally ill he is chronically ill. He will be sick for his entire life he will require care his entire life. I have a healthy child who sacrifices every day for his sick sibling. Every day he gives things up for his brother. He doesn't give up body parts or anything but yes he gives up little bits of himself. I know that Miles doesn't mind you can see the love he has for his brother; he cuddles him kisses him and even helps me talk him into putting on his oxygen at night. Michael and I try hard to be sure that Miles still feels important and valued and I think we will work even harder on that after watching this movie.

At the beginning of the movie the father says "Having a child who is sick is a full time occupation. Sure we still enjoy the usual day to day happinesses of family life...But beneath the exterior there are cracks that threaten the very foundation of our everyday lives... at any moment our whole world could come tumbling down." I loved that line it such an accurate description of my life sometimes. We cling to Isaac so tightly and would do anything to help him. I have therapy appointments for him three days a week we are on a first name basis with WAY to many Dr's. Trust me you never want your Dr. to say "but your child is so unique" or "it is so good to see you I feel like we are family." But at the same time it is nice to have so many people in our corner fighting for what we are fighting for, a good life for Isaac. There was a time when I was sure Isaac was going to die. I remember feeling so helpless when I thought about having to decide to let him go. I remember feeling so angry that he was laying there sick in a hospital bed while everything else just went on like normal.

So am I being the best mom I can be to the Miles and Isaac? Am I strengthening my relationship with Michael? Did you know parents of special needs kids have a 80% divorce rate? I am trying but this movie made me think that I need to try harder. I need to focus on the relationship I have with Miles and I need to focus on the relationship I have with Michael. Do I need to let Isaac go a little more? We are going to add another child to our family and I know I will love her just as I love my boys but is it really fair to bring her into a family with a sick child? Can I give her the family she needs and the attention she needs from me? I think the answer is yes but I will need to be aware of that relationship just like I am aware of the others in my life.

My goals for my children are for them to be themselves. I want them to love their siblings. I don't ever want them to feel like Mile- Isaac's brother. I want him to be Miles the amazing, smart, fun, loving, little boy that he is. I want Abeni to be herself. I want Isaac to be Isaac; not the sick brother. So I will do my best to make that happen for my kids.

I'm sending my thoughts out into the virtual world I think I just needed to think out-loud. So if you are still reading this thanks. If you have any advice please share. If you want to just point out a flaw in my thinking feel free.

Wordless Wednesday

Happy Birthday Miles!

My sweet baby is 4 today! I am honored to be his mom. He is everything a little boy should be. I can't believe how full of life and happiness he is. We have made so many memories of him over the last four years. At four he loves to ask questions, make his mommy and daddy laugh, take care of his brother, swim, read, ride powerwheels, ride his bike, and see how things work. Enjoy this little look back at my little man.



Captain Miles defending his ship at his "pirate" 4th birthday party.



Blowing out the candles at his third birthday.



Opening presents at his second birthday.

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First birthday photo.

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Holding my little man on his birthday.

SUMMER TIME IS GREAT!!

Tuesday afternoon was a great time.  Sun was out, there was no rain in sight, and we were soaking it up.  We purchased a kiddie pool for the boys to have some good ol' fashion fun in the back yard.  Miles and Isaac love playing in the water and of course the biggest boy in the family loves playing in the water and with his boys.  Miles pretending to be a swimming dinosaur and Isaac so thrilled to be playing the water just splashing around.  I was able to be motorboat with Isaac as the passenger on my back and Miles as the motor in between my legs making motor sounds.  We were going round and round in the pool for at least an hour and a half.  I love summer time, especially when I am able to watch my boys enjoying it.  Ari had a good time too, Isaac demanded that she get in and get the flowers on her bathing suit wet.  And he liked to make us kiss.  For some reason he really likes it when Ari and I kiss.. But what man in his right mind wouldn't want to kiss his sexy wifey!

Powerwheelin'

Well without further delay I give you not one not two but three boys on our powerwheels...(random neighbor lady and kids included at no additional charge).

Video

So no video of the boys dancing to NKOTB but I think what I have in store for you is as good if not better...... hoping to have it up in just a few minutes.

Hi I have a situation in my ear.

Miles sedated for the "removal of foreign body."

Miles is one crazy little man. I never know what is coming next. Yesterday he really threw me for a loop. I made the boys pop corn for a snack (I Know not so healthy) while I was getting dinner going. I went into the bedroom to get the laundry and Miles was at my door when I was on my way back out. "Mom I put a popcorn seed in my ear," he reported. "Why" "Because we don't eat those." I dropped the laundry and walked him into the bathroom so I could see and there it was deep in his ear. I told him that we would need to go to the hospital and have a doctor take it out and loaded the boys into the car. I called Michael who was out to dinner with friends on the way and picked him up at the restaurant. When we arrived at the hospital the triage nurse asked us to come right in and Miles walked up to her and said "excuse me I have a situation in my ear." I was still to flabbergasted at this time to see the humor in this statement. They did the traditional check in stuff and then we went back into the waiting room. About this time the whole absurdity of the situation really struck me and I started laughing. I was still chuckling when they called us back to a room. The nurse took a look and then the Dr. took a look. Then they decided that they were going to need to use some tools to get the kernel out. Because we didn't want to risk damaging his ear we decided to have him sedated for just a few minutes. He did well getting his IV placed and the kernel was out about 5 minutes into the sedation. Thankfully the drug they used is very short acting and Leo was back to his funny little self entertaining the Nurses as we left the hospital. As we passed the triage desk he let go of my hand and went and reported "situation resolved." I asked him how he felt about the whole thing and he said "that was absolutely comotionable and when they put the water into my pipes it was unusual."


Miles about 15 minutes after his "situation" was "resolved."

Easter

Michael had to work on Sunday so we had to postpone our Easter celebration until after church. It might have been a better plan as both boys were ready to go when the bunny did make his visit. They hunted for eggs and found DVD's and a sand and water table. That is one smart Bunny who know a little blue sand some water and a few mighty movers would elicit so many squeals of joy! I even felt bad telling them that play time was over and they had to come in a get ready for bed. I'm not going to type much because the pictures really speak for themselves enjoy!

Havala's visit, Passover

We had a very busy weekend. Thursday my little sister Havala came for a visit. She met me at therapy and then we all went out to lunch with my other sister Karli. Shoe shopping followed; what girl doesn't love shoes. Then we headed home.
Friday we thought it would be fun to do a photo shoot of Aunt Havala and two of her best guy. We went to the park and had fun snapping pictures and laughing at the crazy antics of a two year old and a three year old. Then we went to my moms to get ready for passover. I can't remember the first time I celebrated passover with my cousins Gail and Ned but it has been a while since we all got together to celebrate this beautiful holiday. So it was wonderful to hear Gail sing the prayer and ned tell the story of the exodus and passover. The history and tradition of the Jewish holidays has such a humbling effect on me. I love sitting around a table with my family hearing a story that is so old and celebrating a tradition that has been celebrated by so many families before mine. Thanks to mom for hosting the party and to Gail and Ned for making it so special. Passover is so much more fun when you can be there you always make thing seem to light up almost like they are on fire; no wait that was just my dad and the lighter fluid soaked paper towel.
Saturday found Miles and Isaac enjoying the freedom that being surrounded by fields has to offer. Swinging, sliding, jumping, bubble blowing, throwing rocks and sticks in the ditch, throwing yourself in the ditch, it was little boy heaven. They napped very soundly. We woke them when my sister in law Cami, and niece and nephew Sage and Asher arrived for an Easter egg hunt. Havala had put together such a fun hunt. The kids were on chocolate high and were not interested in lunch at all. Michael came to get me after the Easter Egg hunt and we went to celebrate his nephew Carson's birthday. My sister in lay Alyssa had done such a great job decorating the house in a pirate theme, it was so cute. We really enjoyed the party. We hurried home and painted easter eggs for the bunny. Then put my very tired kids to bed.

California Trip

Sometimes being a military family has it's benefits. Like when Disneyland offers amazing discount passes. We decided to go to Disneyland with my Mom and Dad, and (most importantly to Miles and Isaac) Aunt Havala! We spent Wednesday afternoon in a beach house and just splashed in the waves, built a sand castle, searched out crabs and starfish, and lay in the sun. Cold waves, warm sun, any chance everyone I love will move with me to Southern California???
We woke-up early the next morning and headed to Disneyland. I know that I am just a big kid but I still think that what Walt Disney built is the happiest place on earth. Highlights of this trip were. For Isaac meeting "mouse" and having a magical moment. He even cried when it was all over. He also loved getting a drivers license and putting around autopia. Miles was thrilled to meet Tink (three times). He really loves Tinkerbell!!!! He also got to ride splash mountain and says it is his favorite although he doesn't want to ride it again "until I pass the age of six." He also was chosen to train with a Jedi master and fight Darth Vader. He was in heaven. His expression in the photos doesn't really capture his excitement; he has been signing the theme song and totting his "light saver" with him ever since. Michael and I got to spend a little more time this trip together because we had six extra hands. Thanks Mom Dad and Havala. I will treasure these vacation memories we made together for a long time to come.

Boys Boys Boys

I have been neglecting my blog here are pictures to make up for it.

The long awaited Camelb*ck








Miles shoveling snow







Isaac shoveling snow









Isaac studying with Daddy

Christmas

Merry Christmas!!!!! (I know late again)
Well I caught the Christmas spirit big time the last few days before Christmas and just finished cleaning the last of the "Christmas carnage" out of the living room, so now I will blog about it.
Christmas Eve was white this year, white and wonderful. I love the snow it just makes me feel all happy inside. I have never gotten over the little girl jittery stomach that comes with the first good snow of the season. We got the house cleaned up and ready for Christmas, (I do minimal cleaning once Christmas day comes because I want to soak up all the little wonderful moments with my boys.) met Omma and Pappa at a great little mexican place for lunch and to get our Christmas P.J's, and then played games, cuddled, and cooked Christmas Eve Dinner together. Then we made cookies for Santa, left out carrots and hot water for the reindeer (Boo's idea), bathed the boys and they went to bed. Michael and I cuddled on the couch and then went to bed so Santa could come. Miles woke up about 7 and waited patiently in bed until 7:30 when Isaac joined us. Then the carnage began it was GREAT!!! Miles was thrilled to give Isaac his gift and Isaac didn't understand why we just wouldn't let him play with the toys and kept making him open more. Miles got a C#melbak and and Isaac was so remiss that he didn't get one that we had to put in a phone call and Santa sent one in the mail straight away! We ate a yummy breakfast and then headed North. We had to take the Manly Truck because it was snowing so hard; lots of smiles from me for that!!! We spent some time with Michael's side of the family and ate a great lunch, Isaac loved the mashed sweet potatoes, thanks Aunt Delonni. Then we headed to the Rich side for games laughed together while we played Apples 2 Apples. Traveling home even in the Manly Truck was a nightmare and took nearly 3 hours but the boys slept and Michael and I spent some quiet Christmas moments together.

Thanks

I know I am late posting this but......these are the things I am grateful for this thanksgiving. 

I am so grateful for Miles his sense of humor has really started to develop and he makes me laugh. I am grateful for his blue eyes which shine with curiosity and mischief. I am grateful for his love and honesty. I am grateful that I get to know him that when he is hurt he lets me love him better. Miles is always making people smile he laughs and grins and thrives on life.

I am grateful for Isaac. My goodness what a loving child. He knows when I need an extra cuddle and he knows when I need a little smile. He seems to touch everyone he comes in contact with. You can't know Isaac and not love him. He just seems to be able to connect with people on a deep level for such a small person. 

And then there is Michael. God knew the kind of man I would need in life and made Michael just for me. He is all of the things I didn't know I wanted in a husband. He is patient with my shortcomings. A friend to anyone who needs him. A caring, honest, humble provider. I love him with all that I am and know that he loves me. 

Now on a lighter note these are some random things that I am grateful for this year.

• Trees (Look at one next time you have a minute they are really cool)
• Apples (I have really started to enjoy them lately)
• Tile floors (I have two boys)
• Digital Camera's (so easy to capture the fleeting moments of childhood)
• Books (they calm the most wild Miles moments)
• Truth
• Washing machines (see tile floors)
• Warm water
• Hope

And lastly I am grateful to a woman who I may never know, somewhere in Korea, who will give me the most precious gift of all the chance to love another little person. 

Mickey Ears

So Ari and I received one of the best wake ups from our Sunday nap.  A little explanation, in March 2008 our family went to Disneyland and we bought both boys Mickey Ears.  Miles loves to wear his Ears.  So today he has been running around in just his Ears and boxer briefs.  I took  his Ears off before going down for the nap.  Apparently he woke up from his nap and immediately put those ears and came running into our room.  As we are laying their we hear him run in, and climb up on the bed and peak over my shoulder.  This is what we found!