Loving an adopted child

I have spoken with a few families interested in adoption recently and they have expressed concern about weather they could love an adopted child the same way they love their biological child or children. Let me tell you about my experience. Here is a shocker it isn't the same! It changes everything!!! You will never love any of your children "the same" again! Your love will intensify. After you have fought tooth and nail, and after you have missed milestones, after you have loved a child you have never met, after you have loved a grieving child, you will love your biological and adopted children MORE. Never again can you take for granted the sound of their little feet in the morning or the feeling of their little arms around their neck. You will learn to treasure those kisses and smiles those simple things like a tight grip on YOUR hand when YOUR baby is scared. Did you know it was an honor to comfort your child. Sure you did in theory but now you have learned that in reality. Here are some pics of Abeni's homecoming. Yes I love all of my children MORE because of the lessons of adoption.

 
 

The hurricane

For granted.

When I had my first child it all came so easily. Sure we had to try for a few months and there were a few rainclouds along the way, but it all seemed so effortless. Almost like he was dreamed into existence. He fit so effortlessly into our plan for our lives. He achieved every developmental milestone at or ahead of schedule. Actually it was all so blissfully fluid that I only glanced at the books and rarely worried about my sweet smelling smiley boy. I relished glancing at the checklists and mentally ticking off his latest accomplishment. His existence and his typicalness were so expected and I knew no different. It was like the pattern of the waves on a sandy beach rhythmic, expected, calm, and perfect.

 Then my second child came along. He was unplanned, certainly not unwanted, simply unplanned. He seemed to will himself into existence he came to us like a spring rainstorm on the ocean; gentle and refreshing but still somewhat shocking in it's fast appearance. Quickly the storm was over and my life returned to rhythmic waves of predictability. He was born in all his sweet perfection. There was a little wind the day of his birth. It was almost as if God were testing us for what was to come. Still the pattern of life was smooth and expected. Then came the hurricane. In less the a second everything changed, all of the things I knew, the ebb and flow of my life, were instantly different. There were dark clouds of doubt and pounding rains of uncertainty. The winds of change came fast and fierce. The storm left it's destructive mark on out life. Nothing about our new life felt like that ordered rhythm I had loved and come to expect. Nothing I though was certain was. Everything I had expected now hung in the air like fog clouding my new reality. Where I had once expected that my sons would meet every milestone, be able to do anything they wanted in life, now I doubted all of it. I wasn't even sure if my sweet innocent son would ever sit up or walk. Those milestone charts I had and the books I had partially read didn't prepare me for this. The hardest part was that this hurricane was beating on my shores while the rest of existence went along unchanged and unaware. Now I dreaded the milestone charts, I hated thinking about what he wasn't accomplishing that he was "supposed" to. Pretty soon though the storm had passed and I was taught to see through the fog. The waves of everyday life began washing up on the beach of my now uncertain life. You know what I realized? That despite the fact that the hurricane had changed things despite the scars it had left; there were still the waves and the beauty of life. So it was that God taught me to look through the fog. And when I chose to see the light the fog got thinner and thinner. I chose to not see the checklists anymore. I rejoiced when my charming cherub accomplished new things in his own way and on his own schedule. I came back to my new reality, and surprise I loved it. I came to look back at the hurricane and think, life before was wonderful, but only because of the destruction could I see our new perfection. And so the tide went in and out in it's steady and wonderful beat on my perfect, happy, uncertain shores.

Photos of the Last 10 Months

Our together day!

First bath with our family

Decorating the Christmas Tree

We have had some long nights.

Happy girl on Christmas

Finalization day (hat by Aunt Karen, Dress by Grandma Nelle)

Fathers day photoshoot

Seriously! Isn't she gorgeous!

Sealing Hanbok (Dress by Grandma Nelle and Great Grandma "Happy," Lace by Grandma Happy using Great Great Grandma Johnsons pattern, Embroidered with "Forever Family," by Aunt Juli, Hair Bow by Aunt Cami.)

We all love each other can't you see... We are a Happy Family!!

How cute is this baby?

Squishy face

Some of those first steps!

We are so BLESSED!!

The rest of the story...

So Abeni is home with us now and has been for 10 months. Where does the time go? She is such an incredible little girl. She is everything good about a baby. She sleeps well, she is cuddly, and she is funny. She fits into our family perfectly.

This brings me to the rest of the story. During a meeting with our social worker in Korea just before we met Abeni we were told that she had low muscle tone in her legs and wasn't yet pulling to stand. That was concerning information but I figured that it was no big deal. She probably just needed a little extra excercise. When I met my sweet baby girl I was a little taken aback. She was still a baby in so many ways, despite this she was perfect and ours in every way. Abeni was very delayed when we got her home. At 12 months I assesed her develpment to be about in the 4-5 month range. She was able to roll over and babble but she was not sitting on her own or pushing up onto all fours. She did not bear any weight on her legs. She didn't know how to eat solid food and would not feed herself. Friends and family were thrilled that our daughter was home but you could feel the concern for us and for her. I only knew what I felt in my heart. This was my baby and she and we would figure out the rest. It was not easy.

I already had a son at home who has special needs. I was worried about how extensive what I was seeing would be. I can tell you that I was often praying and trying my hardest to trust. We also heard a funny sound when our angel girl breathed. In December she got sick, very very sick. I noticed her retracting when she breathed I called the pediatrician and she said to bring her to their office if she couldn't get the breathing under control we would admit her to the hospital. That is when our pediatrician first heard the sound. There was something not quite right with Little Miss's right lung. We were able do get her breathing under control and we were referred to a pulmonologist. We did a flexible bronchoscopy. We found out that little miss had a very constricted right broncus. We were referred to the best pediatric ENT in the state. He found out that Abeni's pulmonary artery and esophagus are basically sandwiching her right broncus. He did two surgery's to try and dialate the opening. On the second attemt he was more successful and was able to open the area 1mm. We are now just waiting to see what happens as our little girl grows.

In the end it has been a wild and crazy 10 months. Abeni is doing really well now she is growing and developing very nicely. She has been diagnosed with occult spina bifida and we have seen a little bit of scaring on her brain from her early birth but overall our angel has become just another healty, wild little, almost two year old. We are the lucky ones.

Private Blog

I will be posting to my private blog during travel. Many of you already have the link if you don't please email me at wow lucky mama @ gmail dot com

Travel Call

We are leaving for Korea this weekend!!!! Wahoooooooo!!!!!!!! After two long years I will finally be kissing my sweet daughter on Tuesday!

She has a VISA!

My baby girl has her first VISA! Everything is in order now we just wait for the phone to ring. Come on TC!

Paperwork issue resolved!

I'm holding my breath that everything from here will go smoothly. RING PHONE RING I'm ready to go kiss my girl!

EP approval and paperwork snafu

So our EP has been approved. Unfortunately there is a mix up on the US side with paperwork. We are trying to get things sorted out so we can travel in the next two weeks. Please pray that things will get straightened our.

The Wall

***Warning*** Honest post ahead.

I feel like I am running a marathon right now. Seriously this is an emotional marathon. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. The problem is everytime I get close to the finish line it gets moved a little beyond sight again. I'm tired. I'm emotionally tired. I'm mentally tired. I'm just tired.

The latest news is that the Ministry who is processing that last bit of paperwork is undergoing a periodic audit. Things have slowed down, not stopped completely, but slowed down. I was really thinking I would be submitted for EP with my group of "Marcher" friends. But our group was broken up. I'm hurting for my friends. I'm sad that things are slowing again. I just want to get out of this race. I am not going to quit my daugter is waiting at the finish line.

I'm trying to emotionally invest in the final preperations for my baby girls arrival in my family, but I just can't seem to do it. I go through the motions of getting things ready I am working on the finishing touches of her room. I just can't seem to believe that it is going to happen. I think I have shut myself off from trying to see the finish line.

I know that she is worth all of this and more. I know that I will one day forget about this hurt. I know one day I will hold my girl in my arms. I am just so tired.

I am trying to stay up beat and positive but I've probably cried more about this in the last month and a half then the whole rest of the nealry two years we have been at this.

So there it is I'm laying my hurt out there for everyone to read. Thanks for listening.

7 months

We have been waiting 7 months today since we first say baby girls face. I really really really think I will hug her lovable little self before 8 months. A family from our agency that was submitted for EP just 20 days before us is traveling this friday. SOOOO we could be traveling around October 25th. Knock on wood. Knock on wood. Knock on wood.

Versatile Blogger Award

My friend Michelle over at Soul 2 Seoul awarded me with The Versatile Blogger Award. I'm flattered. I haven't been posting much lately because I don't want this blog to get whiney and full of complaints. So a big thank you goes out the Michelle. She just recently came home with her super adorable son Maddyx from South Korea. She has been really good about sharing the ups and downs of this journey and I have benefitted from her openness so a big thanks to her! 

About the versatile blogger award:
- You thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
- Share 7 things about yourself.
- Pass the award along to 7 other bloggers that you think are great!

Here are my seven things about me

1. My name is Ari. It's pronounced like Mary without an M. I was named after the hero in this book. My mother was reading it when she was pregnant with me. She wanted me to grow up and be a protector of children so she named me Ari. 

2. I was a pediatric dental assistant in a past life. I worked from the time I was 17 till I was 22 in a pediatric dental clinic. I LOVED it! I love being a mommy even more.

3. I am a crazy mom. Before I had kids I would look at some moms and think wow they really need to let this thing or the other go. I never thought I would be a crazy mom but the more I walk down this parenting adventure the more I realize I'm just a little batty. I am into breast-feeding, baby wearing, cloth diapering, and (get this) I homeschool. I guess I am an attachment parent. So now I look at those "crazy mom's" with respect. 

4. I I love old school crafts like embroidery and knitting. I love the feeling of something handmade by someone I love. My grandmother has made me washcloths and I love cleaning my dishes with them. I love having homemade cosy goodness to wrap my kids in. While I would love to have lots of time to craft I admit that I don't do a lot of crafting myself. I have these two amazing aunties who have supplied me with wonderful hats, blankets, socks, and even bigs and burp cloths for my kids. 

5. I am the "Queen of Popcorn." I make popcorn so well people come over to my house just for the popcorn. 

6. I was born and raised in the country and I heart the smell of fresh cut alfalfa. 

7. I am a big believer in CPR. I think everyone should take CPR classes. I am always telling people that you never know when you might need to know CPR. I was once told that you will probably use CPR on someone you love not a stranger that turned out to be true for me. See the story under the medical stuff topic on my sidebar. 

So now I get to give 7 people this blog award. The lucky ladies are.....

1. Kim at Seon-Mi-Kyung. She is an adoptive mom and an adult adoptee. Her blog is full of gorgeous pictures of her kids and lots of real mom moments which I love to read.

2. Heidi over at Dream of Dragons. She is an adoptive mom of a super cute little man and waiting on her daughters referral. I started reading her blog while I was waiting for our referral. Just seeing her home with her little man made the whole thing seem real and attainable. 

3. Kayla at Together we make a family. I started folowing Kalya's journey shortly before she traveled to Korea to bring home sweet Matthew. He is a handsome little man and Kayla seems to be able to write from her heart about adoption related things. 

4. Rita who wrights Chris and Rita News. She is celebrating her one year referral anniversary. My how time flies. I'm happy to report that baby J is home and seems to be doing very well. 


5. Robyn at Three Northern Stars. Robyn is a few months ahead of me in the adoption process but our families have a very similar makeup. She has been a good friend to me in the wait. 


6. Tomi over at Forever With Kai. She just got home a few days ago from Korea with her darling son. I have enjoyed reading all about her time in Korea. 


7. Finally to my little sister Karli at The Grand Adventures of Mr. and Mrs. Yota Truck. Karli is my younger sister and she is expecting her first baby in December. I love her and can't wait to welcome Miss Sesame (nick-name) into the world. 

SUBMITTED!!!!!!!!

SUBMITTED!!!!!!! That is all.

New Pics!!!!

There are new pics on the private blog!!! She is gorgeous and her hair is even better then before! She looks so happy and healthy. Oh it makes me miss her even more.

MOVEMENT!!!

Today our agency e-mailed us saying Eastern (our agency in Korea) has requested an updated form. What does this mean??? It means that we are close. How close? I'm not really sure. It looks like it has been around six-eight weeks from this point to the big phone call that says we can to get Abeni. It is really happening. I've felt every emotion under the sun today. Strangely all my happy has been tempered by the fact that Abeni is going to be faced with a terrible loss. As much as we have been praying and waiting and wishing for Abeni to come home she hasn't been thinking of us.... Goodness she doesn't even know us. I'm not looking forward to taking her from her loving foster family. I know it is what must be done but it still hurts to know how much pain I am going to be part of. To help understand what this is all going to feel like for Abeni I would like to share a different perspective. This is written to help adoptive parents have more empty for what our children are experiencing.

 A Different Perspective

Imagine for a moment…

You have met the person you’ve dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by “soul mate,” for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.

The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day’s events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world…the person who will be with you for the rest of your life. The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner’s arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face. But it’s not him! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man?

Where is your beloved?
You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn’t understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back. . .even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay. But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him? Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn’t speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn’t seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone.

You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact. Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He’s finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don’t understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it. More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you?

You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried. The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you. You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy. The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to “get along.” You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation.

Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair. Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you’ve ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you’ve never heard before.

He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you’re used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black. You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to asleep.

People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy’s hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you’ve fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness. Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you’re hanging on for dear life, you’ve learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along.

Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.
How would each of us handle all these changes?

How would this impact us for the rest of our lives?

6 months...

We've been waiting six months since I first saw your sweet picture baby girl, six months since I knew you were my daughter, six months of our house feeling empty, six months of my arms waiting to hold you, six months of happiness and tears and heartbreak, six months of waiting. How I hope we only have a few months left.

Unfortunately we received bad news from our agency last week. We didn't make the cut off for the last batch of EP's to be submitted. What this means is we will still be waiting an additional few weeks to travel. It doesn't look like I will be holding sweet baby girl on her birthday after all. I really struggled with this at first but I am finding a peaceful place again. Trying to remember that an all knowing all good God is in control of all things. So patiently I wait.....

Looking Forward

Today I am looking forward.

I have been blessed on this adoption ride to meet some amazing women. One of those friends invited me to attend the religious ceremony where her daughter became a part of their forever family. Her family was beautiful, her daughter was gorgeous, and the moment was perfect. I was so honored to attend.

I was able to think forward as I watched the reality of a baby home with her family. She was crying out for her mommy and seeking comfort from her siblings. She was happy. She was beautiful. She was real. I'm not going to lie the moment made me miss my baby even more but it also helped to bring comfort to my heart. Thank you T!

6 pictures of my 5 year old!

Sweet sleepy one day old, my first baby, my soft skinned sweetie

Smiley, giggly one year old, my wild wiggler

Happy, gentle, two year old, my little lad

Thoughtful, friendly, three year old, my wise wonderer

Adventurous, energetic four year old, my cherished child

Funny, bright, five year old, my glorious gift

Neglected blog

So this is one neglected blog. I'm sure you have all noticed. I guess the truth is I'm over this. I'm over the waiting and waiting and waiting. I'm over seeing pics of my girl instead of holding her..... Sigh this roller coaster stinks and I want off.

New Pictures!!

Our agency director just returned from Korea and visited my baby! She took some super cute photos that are posted on our private blog. Let's just say baby girl has some hair!