Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Movie Review-Or my thoughts about myself after watching a movie.

So last night Michael brought home "My Sisters Keeper" and I snuggled up on the couch with my favorite quilt to watch while he worked on powerwheels. First let me say that I loved that this movie made me think. I have a sick child. There I said it. I sometimes pretend that he is fine but in reality he is sick. Isaac is not terminally ill he is chronically ill. He will be sick for his entire life he will require care his entire life. I have a healthy child who sacrifices every day for his sick sibling. Every day he gives things up for his brother. He doesn't give up body parts or anything but yes he gives up little bits of himself. I know that Miles doesn't mind you can see the love he has for his brother; he cuddles him kisses him and even helps me talk him into putting on his oxygen at night. Michael and I try hard to be sure that Miles still feels important and valued and I think we will work even harder on that after watching this movie.

At the beginning of the movie the father says "Having a child who is sick is a full time occupation. Sure we still enjoy the usual day to day happinesses of family life...But beneath the exterior there are cracks that threaten the very foundation of our everyday lives... at any moment our whole world could come tumbling down." I loved that line it such an accurate description of my life sometimes. We cling to Isaac so tightly and would do anything to help him. I have therapy appointments for him three days a week we are on a first name basis with WAY to many Dr's. Trust me you never want your Dr. to say "but your child is so unique" or "it is so good to see you I feel like we are family." But at the same time it is nice to have so many people in our corner fighting for what we are fighting for, a good life for Isaac. There was a time when I was sure Isaac was going to die. I remember feeling so helpless when I thought about having to decide to let him go. I remember feeling so angry that he was laying there sick in a hospital bed while everything else just went on like normal.

So am I being the best mom I can be to the Miles and Isaac? Am I strengthening my relationship with Michael? Did you know parents of special needs kids have a 80% divorce rate? I am trying but this movie made me think that I need to try harder. I need to focus on the relationship I have with Miles and I need to focus on the relationship I have with Michael. Do I need to let Isaac go a little more? We are going to add another child to our family and I know I will love her just as I love my boys but is it really fair to bring her into a family with a sick child? Can I give her the family she needs and the attention she needs from me? I think the answer is yes but I will need to be aware of that relationship just like I am aware of the others in my life.

My goals for my children are for them to be themselves. I want them to love their siblings. I don't ever want them to feel like Mile- Isaac's brother. I want him to be Miles the amazing, smart, fun, loving, little boy that he is. I want Abeni to be herself. I want Isaac to be Isaac; not the sick brother. So I will do my best to make that happen for my kids.

I'm sending my thoughts out into the virtual world I think I just needed to think out-loud. So if you are still reading this thanks. If you have any advice please share. If you want to just point out a flaw in my thinking feel free.


Tracie said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Lucky Mama. It made me think about times we've been through in our family with two preemies and a child who needs extra support every day. There were also times when one person or another required all our energy and concern.

It's different than your situation, but I can relate to what you're saying.

I'm glad you shared your thoughts, because I think we all can apply them to our lives, whatever the challenge.

Thanks for giving me some things to think about... and God's blessings on your family!

MaryBeth said...

I've been where you are...hell, I still am. I've watched my daughter suffer and die, then turn right around and watch my son head into transplant, all the while my marriage was hanging by a thread.

My only advice is to always remember that even though you and Michael are going through this together, your journeys are completely different. His feelings and thoughts will be so different from yours and it will drive you crazy, but they are valid and need to be respected.

We are four years post transplant with Aren and have lived five years without our Lily. It's sucked, and it's ok to say that out loud, but it's not ok to let it run our lives. We'll never get over it, but we will move forward...there's a difference.

Christa said...

I LOVED reading your thoughts on the matter. I don't have a sick child. On the contrary, I have had rather healthy children.... all of them.... so I don't think i could even pretend to know what you go through (so maybe I shouldn't be leaving a comment), but I just wanted to say that I second everything you said. And while it may not be the same, i have similar feelings regarding how I want my children to feel about how I feel about them, and it is tough to give every child an equal amount of love. But I do feel like each child is sent to the family that they are sent to for a reason. And maybe that reason isn't to get as much attention as their siblings, ya know. Maybe they were sent there because it's okay for them to not be the star of the show (so to speak).... but anyway.... I love reading your blog.... I pray for you everytime I see it and think about you getting your little girl. I think you are an amazing mom. I always thought that when I had Miles in my home for JoySchool, you really are amazing. Good luck with the rest of the road.... I hope it's shorter than it feels. And thanks for sharing your thoughts :)

Lucky Mama said...

Thanks ladies for responding I just felt the need to clarify one point as I received a concerned e-mail. I DO NOT consider Isaac a burden nor do I think that Miles is worse off for having him for a brother. I was commenting only on my thoughts on being a wife and mother and how I can do better. I really appreciate hearing that I am not the only one out there who feels this pull and struggles to balance. Thanks again everyone for your advice.

Kat said...

I loved your thoughts. I completely know what you are talking about. I worry that my son gets the love and attention he needs all the time. And I feel bad saying, "Not right now, your sister has a therapist appointment, or I have to do something for your sister." It is not an easy thing, but it is a good thing to have families where there is a lot of love and they are constantly looking out for everybody. You will be great! :)