Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Getting Scared

(warning this post may not going to be very politically correct) Well it is the 8th of September. On Thursday it will have been three months since there was any movement on the waiting list...... I am honestly getting scared. I am scared that we have put our hopes and dreams into this and it's not going to happen. I'm scared that I will dream about this little girl forever and never get to see her face. I am scared that I will never hear baby laughter again in our home. I am scared that someone out there knows something and they are not telling the waiting families. I am scared that the chances of us fulfilling this dream we had for the last 8 years are going to slip through our fingers. I just don't know how much more of the waiting I can take. I want a baby! Before we got on the list last summer it was moving very quickly. There were referrals all the time; three or more some months. We went on the list ten months ago and since then there have been 14 referrals. So if we assume that the last three months are just a fluke and that there will eventually be girl referrals again. There have been about 1.4 referrals per months if this continue at this rate... we are about 10 more months from referral. So............. I would expect a referral next July!!!!!! That is not what I am hoping for. This is assuming that things don't keep slowing down. I called our agency and they don't seem to know anything... They "haven't asked" Korea what is going on with referrals because there are still boy referrals coming in. There are other agencies that partner with Eastern to find families and they don't seem to be getting girl referrals either. So hopefully there are less children available for international adoption because they are being raised by their birth mothers or they are being adopted domestically. This is truly my hope! I just don't know...... I am feeling down about this whole process right now. I want to buy little girl clothes I want to be able to tell my friends and family that yes this isn't just some story Michael and I made up we are getting a little girl; we have a picture to prove it. We are going to go over to Korea and meet a baby and she will come home to our home and she will be ours. I want to find little girl toys all over the house along with the little boy toys. I want to hold her as she cries and laugh with her when she laughs. I want to have three car seats in the back of the car. I want to hear her little dreams. I want to watch her grow and learn. I want to be blessed with one more little person to love. I want the joy and the frustration that comes with parenting. I just want to know if it is going to happen or not. If not I guess I will live with that. It is the unknown that really scares me.

7 comments:

Kelly said...

I was at that point, too, when we were waiting early on for Briar. We got on the waiting list on May 2, 2007 and moved 1 spot 2 weeks later. I was so excited! Then, we sat for FOUR long months with NO movement whatsoever. We stayed at #32 on the list for 4 months, but received Briar's referral 10 months later at #3 on the list! It WILl happen!!!!!!!!!!!

Kori said...

I was there too sweetie! During my wait there were 2 seperate times the list didn't move for 2 months each. I was convinced at that rate it would take years.

When I was in Korea exactly 5 months ago I was at Eastern rocking newborn babies in the nursery. I changed lots of diapers too and they were all boys! Those are the babies being referred the last few weeks. However, on the same trip every parent I met was bringing home girls. I'm hoping that after I left there was a wave of girl babies born for you waiters.

She'll come! It doesn't feel real and you won't believe it until you see her precious face though. I still often look at Annie in disbelief that she is mine.

(((hugs)))

Tracie said...

I'm sorry! Seems like lots of "waiting" is going on around here lately! I hope we have a wave of good news soon.

Colorado Mama said...

Hang in there and keep the faith. We just got on the girls list only a few weeks ago for #2 and C or N at the office said nothing about cautioning us not to. They were both always very straight with me during our process for our son J. Hopefully we will all hear some good news soon!

Steve and Karen said...

I couldn't have said it better....actually I have used these exact words to express the exact feelings. I feel like the Typhoid Mary of adoption. Signed with China 1 mo latter changed criteria and we were ineligible. Signed with Vietnam...they closed. I get to #2 with a program that is 50 years old and they see an end date of 2012 for international adoptions and there's been no referrals in months. I am on this same despair path as you are. I act patient...I talk about patience but I'm not....I'm scared....I'm numb from suppressing my feelings. I don't want to be numb..I want to be excited but I can't let myself. This time waiting is reminding me too much of the other 2 nightmares...both times we were the last to know any developments until the very end. And I'm so frightened that I can't manage one positive thought. Sorry not exactly the words of encouragement but just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Krista said...

Be strong - waiting is the worst part of adoption. It is almost easier not knowing what # you are. Your little darling is coming - it will happen.

Kara said...

I am right there with you. I too have the same fears. Our agency hasn't gotten a girl in 4 1/2 months. I actually asked my SW if it was possible that they stop sending them. She paused and then said that she hadn't seen any significant changes in Korea or the program to warrant that. Holt is getting them like crazy, it's just not Eastern for some reason. You know that we lost the first referral and now have been waiting another 3 months for another. It's crazy and it scares the heck out of me . Eastern has had little communication with our agency and that really scares me. I feel like if something was really going on we wouldn't find out until afte the fact. I'm keeping you in my prayers. Hang in there.