Chunsa Khidarim

Loving an adopted child

2011-09-08T10:00:00.000-07:00

I have spoken with a few families interested in adoption recently and they have expressed concern about weather they could love an adopted child the same way they love their biological child or children. Let me tell you about my experience. Here is a shocker it isn't the same! It changes everything!!! You will never love any of your children "the same" again! Your love will intensify. After you have fought tooth and nail, and after you have missed milestones, after you have loved a child you have never met, after you have loved a grieving child, you will love your biological and adopted children MORE. Never again can you take for granted the sound of their little feet in the morning or the feeling of their little arms around their neck. You will learn to treasure those kisses and smiles those simple things like a tight grip on YOUR hand when YOUR baby is scared. Did you know it was an honor to comfort your child. Sure you did in theory but now you have learned that in reality. Here are some pics of Abeni's homecoming. Yes I love all of my children MORE because of the lessons of adoption.

The hurricane

2011-09-04T18:56:00.000-07:00

For granted.

When I had my first child it all came so easily. Sure we had to try for a few months and there were a few rainclouds along the way, but it all seemed so effortless. Almost like he was dreamed into existence. He fit so effortlessly into our plan for our lives. He achieved every developmental milestone at or ahead of schedule. Actually it was all so blissfully fluid that I only glanced at the books and rarely worried about my sweet smelling smiley boy. I relished glancing at the checklists and mentally ticking off his latest accomplishment. His existence and his typicalness were so expected and I knew no different. It was like the pattern of the waves on a sandy beach rhythmic, expected, calm, and perfect.

Then my second child came along. He was unplanned, certainly not unwanted, simply unplanned. He seemed to will himself into existence he came to us like a spring rainstorm on the ocean; gentle and refreshing but still somewhat shocking in it's fast appearance. Quickly the storm was over and my life returned to rhythmic waves of predictability. He was born in all his sweet perfection. There was a little wind the day of his birth. It was almost as if God were testing us for what was to come. Still the pattern of life was smooth and expected. Then came the hurricane. In less the a second everything changed, all of the things I knew, the ebb and flow of my life, were instantly different. There were dark clouds of doubt and pounding rains of uncertainty. The winds of change came fast and fierce. The storm left it's destructive mark on out life. Nothing about our new life felt like that ordered rhythm I had loved and come to expect. Nothing I though was certain was. Everything I had expected now hung in the air like fog clouding my new reality. Where I had once expected that my sons would meet every milestone, be able to do anything they wanted in life, now I doubted all of it. I wasn't even sure if my sweet innocent son would ever sit up or walk. Those milestone charts I had and the books I had partially read didn't prepare me for this. The hardest part was that this hurricane was beating on my shores while the rest of existence went along unchanged and unaware. Now I dreaded the milestone charts, I hated thinking about what he wasn't accomplishing that he was "supposed" to. Pretty soon though the storm had passed and I was taught to see through the fog. The waves of everyday life began washing up on the beach of my now uncertain life. You know what I realized? That despite the fact that the hurricane had changed things despite the scars it had left; there were still the waves and the beauty of life. So it was that God taught me to look through the fog. And when I chose to see the light the fog got thinner and thinner. I chose to not see the checklists anymore. I rejoiced when my charming cherub accomplished new things in his own way and on his own schedule. I came back to my new reality, and surprise I loved it. I came to look back at the hurricane and think, life before was wonderful, but only because of the destruction could I see our new perfection. And so the tide went in and out in it's steady and wonderful beat on my perfect, happy, uncertain shores.

Photos of the Last 10 Months

2011-08-30T16:04:00.000-07:00

Our together day!

First bath with our family

Decorating the Christmas Tree

We have had some long nights.

Happy girl on Christmas

Finalization day (hat by Aunt Karen, Dress by Grandma Nelle)

Fathers day photoshoot

Seriously! Isn't she gorgeous!

Sealing Hanbok (Dress by Grandma Nelle and Great Grandma "Happy," Lace by Grandma Happy using Great Great Grandma Johnsons pattern, Embroidered with "Forever Family," by Aunt Juli, Hair Bow by Aunt Cami.)

We all love each other can't you see... We are a Happy Family!!

How cute is this baby?

Squishy face

Some of those first steps!

We are so BLESSED!!

The rest of the story...

2011-08-30T10:08:00.000-07:00

So Abeni is home with us now and has been for 10 months. Where does the time go? She is such an incredible little girl. She is everything good about a baby. She sleeps well, she is cuddly, and she is funny. She fits into our family perfectly.

This brings me to the rest of the story. During a meeting with our social worker in Korea just before we met Abeni we were told that she had low muscle tone in her legs and wasn't yet pulling to stand. That was concerning information but I figured that it was no big deal. She probably just needed a little extra excercise. When I met my sweet baby girl I was a little taken aback. She was still a baby in so many ways, despite this she was perfect and ours in every way. Abeni was very delayed when we got her home. At 12 months I assesed her develpment to be about in the 4-5 month range. She was able to roll over and babble but she was not sitting on her own or pushing up onto all fours. She did not bear any weight on her legs. She didn't know how to eat solid food and would not feed herself. Friends and family were thrilled that our daughter was home but you could feel the concern for us and for her. I only knew what I felt in my heart. This was my baby and she and we would figure out the rest. It was not easy.

I already had a son at home who has special needs. I was worried about how extensive what I was seeing would be. I can tell you that I was often praying and trying my hardest to trust. We also heard a funny sound when our angel girl breathed. In December she got sick, very very sick. I noticed her retracting when she breathed I called the pediatrician and she said to bring her to their office if she couldn't get the breathing under control we would admit her to the hospital. That is when our pediatrician first heard the sound. There was something not quite right with Little Miss's right lung. We were able do get her breathing under control and we were referred to a pulmonologist. We did a flexible bronchoscopy. We found out that little miss had a very constricted right broncus. We were referred to the best pediatric ENT in the state. He found out that Abeni's pulmonary artery and esophagus are basically sandwiching her right broncus. He did two surgery's to try and dialate the opening. On the second attemt he was more successful and was able to open the area 1mm. We are now just waiting to see what happens as our little girl grows.

In the end it has been a wild and crazy 10 months. Abeni is doing really well now she is growing and developing very nicely. She has been diagnosed with occult spina bifida and we have seen a little bit of scaring on her brain from her early birth but overall our angel has become just another healty, wild little, almost two year old. We are the lucky ones.

Private Blog

2010-10-28T13:23:00.000-07:00

I will be posting to my private blog during travel. Many of you already have the link if you don't please email me at wow lucky mama @ gmail dot com

Travel Call

2010-10-27T19:22:00.000-07:00

We are leaving for Korea this weekend!!!! Wahoooooooo!!!!!!!! After two long years I will finally be kissing my sweet daughter on Tuesday!

She has a VISA!

2010-10-27T08:57:00.001-07:00

My baby girl has her first VISA! Everything is in order now we just wait for the phone to ring. Come on TC!

Paperwork issue resolved!

2010-10-24T20:23:00.001-07:00

I'm holding my breath that everything from here will go smoothly. RING PHONE RING I'm ready to go kiss my girl!

EP approval and paperwork snafu

2010-10-21T13:20:00.000-07:00

So our EP has been approved. Unfortunately there is a mix up on the US side with paperwork. We are trying to get things sorted out so we can travel in the next two weeks. Please pray that things will get straightened our.

The Wall

2010-10-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

***Warning*** Honest post ahead.

I feel like I am running a marathon right now. Seriously this is an emotional marathon. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. The problem is everytime I get close to the finish line it gets moved a little beyond sight again. I'm tired. I'm emotionally tired. I'm mentally tired. I'm just tired.

The latest news is that the Ministry who is processing that last bit of paperwork is undergoing a periodic audit. Things have slowed down, not stopped completely, but slowed down. I was really thinking I would be submitted for EP with my group of "Marcher" friends. But our group was broken up. I'm hurting for my friends. I'm sad that things are slowing again. I just want to get out of this race. I am not going to quit my daugter is waiting at the finish line.

I'm trying to emotionally invest in the final preperations for my baby girls arrival in my family, but I just can't seem to do it. I go through the motions of getting things ready I am working on the finishing touches of her room. I just can't seem to believe that it is going to happen. I think I have shut myself off from trying to see the finish line.

I know that she is worth all of this and more. I know that I will one day forget about this hurt. I know one day I will hold my girl in my arms. I am just so tired.

I am trying to stay up beat and positive but I've probably cried more about this in the last month and a half then the whole rest of the nealry two years we have been at this.

So there it is I'm laying my hurt out there for everyone to read. Thanks for listening.

7 months

2010-10-05T20:24:00.000-07:00

We have been waiting 7 months today since we first say baby girls face. I really really really think I will hug her lovable little self before 8 months. A family from our agency that was submitted for EP just 20 days before us is traveling this friday. SOOOO we could be traveling around October 25th. Knock on wood. Knock on wood. Knock on wood.

Versatile Blogger Award

2010-10-05T20:22:00.000-07:00

My friend Michelle over at Soul 2 Seoul awarded me with The Versatile Blogger Award. I'm flattered. I haven't been posting much lately because I don't want this blog to get whiney and full of complaints. So a big thank you goes out the Michelle. She just recently came home with her super adorable son Maddyx from South Korea. She has been really good about sharing the ups and downs of this journey and I have benefitted from her openness so a big thanks to her!

About the versatile blogger award:
- You thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
- Share 7 things about yourself.
- Pass the award along to 7 other bloggers that you think are great!

Here are my seven things about me

1. My name is Ari. It's pronounced like Mary without an M. I was named after the hero in this book. My mother was reading it when she was pregnant with me. She wanted me to grow up and be a protector of children so she named me Ari.

2. I was a pediatric dental assistant in a past life. I worked from the time I was 17 till I was 22 in a pediatric dental clinic. I LOVED it! I love being a mommy even more.

3. I am a crazy mom. Before I had kids I would look at some moms and think wow they really need to let this thing or the other go. I never thought I would be a crazy mom but the more I walk down this parenting adventure the more I realize I'm just a little batty. I am into breast-feeding, baby wearing, cloth diapering, and (get this) I homeschool. I guess I am an attachment parent. So now I look at those "crazy mom's" with respect.

4. I I love old school crafts like embroidery and knitting. I love the feeling of something handmade by someone I love. My grandmother has made me washcloths and I love cleaning my dishes with them. I love having homemade cosy goodness to wrap my kids in. While I would love to have lots of time to craft I admit that I don't do a lot of crafting myself. I have these two amazing aunties who have supplied me with wonderful hats, blankets, socks, and even bigs and burp cloths for my kids.

5. I am the "Queen of Popcorn." I make popcorn so well people come over to my house just for the popcorn.

6. I was born and raised in the country and I heart the smell of fresh cut alfalfa.

7. I am a big believer in CPR. I think everyone should take CPR classes. I am always telling people that you never know when you might need to know CPR. I was once told that you will probably use CPR on someone you love not a stranger that turned out to be true for me. See the story under the medical stuff topic on my sidebar.

So now I get to give 7 people this blog award. The lucky ladies are.....

1. Kim at Seon-Mi-Kyung. She is an adoptive mom and an adult adoptee. Her blog is full of gorgeous pictures of her kids and lots of real mom moments which I love to read.

2. Heidi over at Dream of Dragons. She is an adoptive mom of a super cute little man and waiting on her daughters referral. I started reading her blog while I was waiting for our referral. Just seeing her home with her little man made the whole thing seem real and attainable.

3. Kayla at Together we make a family. I started folowing Kalya's journey shortly before she traveled to Korea to bring home sweet Matthew. He is a handsome little man and Kayla seems to be able to write from her heart about adoption related things.

4. Rita who wrights Chris and Rita News. She is celebrating her one year referral anniversary. My how time flies. I'm happy to report that baby J is home and seems to be doing very well.

5. Robyn at Three Northern Stars. Robyn is a few months ahead of me in the adoption process but our families have a very similar makeup. She has been a good friend to me in the wait.

6. Tomi over at Forever With Kai. She just got home a few days ago from Korea with her darling son. I have enjoyed reading all about her time in Korea.

7. Finally to my little sister Karli at The Grand Adventures of Mr. and Mrs. Yota Truck. Karli is my younger sister and she is expecting her first baby in December. I love her and can't wait to welcome Miss Sesame (nick-name) into the world.

SUBMITTED!!!!!!!!

2010-09-27T13:30:00.001-07:00

SUBMITTED!!!!!!! That is all.

New Pics!!!!

2010-09-20T21:16:00.001-07:00

There are new pics on the private blog!!! She is gorgeous and her hair is even better then before! She looks so happy and healthy. Oh it makes me miss her even more.

MOVEMENT!!!

2010-09-16T20:48:00.000-07:00

Today our agency e-mailed us saying Eastern (our agency in Korea) has requested an updated form. What does this mean??? It means that we are close. How close? I'm not really sure. It looks like it has been around six-eight weeks from this point to the big phone call that says we can to get Abeni. It is really happening. I've felt every emotion under the sun today. Strangely all my happy has been tempered by the fact that Abeni is going to be faced with a terrible loss. As much as we have been praying and waiting and wishing for Abeni to come home she hasn't been thinking of us.... Goodness she doesn't even know us. I'm not looking forward to taking her from her loving foster family. I know it is what must be done but it still hurts to know how much pain I am going to be part of. To help understand what this is all going to feel like for Abeni I would like to share a different perspective. This is written to help adoptive parents have more empty for what our children are experiencing.

A Different Perspective

Imagine for a moment…

You have met the person you’ve dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by “soul mate,” for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.

The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day’s events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world…the person who will be with you for the rest of your life. The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner’s arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face. But it’s not him! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man?

Where is your beloved?
You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn’t understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back. . .even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay. But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him? Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn’t speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn’t seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone.

You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact. Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He’s finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don’t understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it. More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you?

You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried. The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you. You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy. The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to “get along.” You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation.

Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair. Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you’ve ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you’ve never heard before.

He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you’re used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black. You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to asleep.

People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy’s hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you’ve fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness. Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you’re hanging on for dear life, you’ve learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along.

Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.
How would each of us handle all these changes?

How would this impact us for the rest of our lives?

6 months...

2010-09-09T16:16:00.000-07:00

We've been waiting six months since I first saw your sweet picture baby girl, six months since I knew you were my daughter, six months of our house feeling empty, six months of my arms waiting to hold you, six months of happiness and tears and heartbreak, six months of waiting. How I hope we only have a few months left.

Unfortunately we received bad news from our agency last week. We didn't make the cut off for the last batch of EP's to be submitted. What this means is we will still be waiting an additional few weeks to travel. It doesn't look like I will be holding sweet baby girl on her birthday after all. I really struggled with this at first but I am finding a peaceful place again. Trying to remember that an all knowing all good God is in control of all things. So patiently I wait.....

Looking Forward

2010-08-24T21:06:00.000-07:00

Today I am looking forward.

I have been blessed on this adoption ride to meet some amazing women. One of those friends invited me to attend the religious ceremony where her daughter became a part of their forever family. Her family was beautiful, her daughter was gorgeous, and the moment was perfect. I was so honored to attend.

I was able to think forward as I watched the reality of a baby home with her family. She was crying out for her mommy and seeking comfort from her siblings. She was happy. She was beautiful. She was real. I'm not going to lie the moment made me miss my baby even more but it also helped to bring comfort to my heart. Thank you T!

6 pictures of my 5 year old!

2010-08-22T22:05:00.000-07:00


Sweet sleepy one day old, my first baby, my soft skinned sweetie

Smiley, giggly one year old, my wild wiggler

Happy, gentle, two year old, my little lad

Thoughtful, friendly, three year old, my wise wonderer

Adventurous, energetic four year old, my cherished child


Funny, bright, five year old, my glorious gift

Neglected blog

2010-08-17T08:25:00.000-07:00

So this is one neglected blog. I'm sure you have all noticed. I guess the truth is I'm over this. I'm over the waiting and waiting and waiting. I'm over seeing pics of my girl instead of holding her..... Sigh this roller coaster stinks and I want off.

New Pictures!!

2010-07-24T22:21:00.001-07:00

Our agency director just returned from Korea and visited my baby! She took some super cute photos that are posted on our private blog. Let's just say baby girl has some hair!

Where we are in the wait.

2010-07-10T10:26:00.000-07:00

I really hope we are close to half way done with the wait to go get Abeni. I would like to take a moment to explain exactly what we are waiting for and why it is taking so long. This is my take on things and is not gospel.

So South Korea first became involved in inter-country adoption after the Korean War. There were lots of children who needed homes. Some were children of GI's and some were just abandoned. Now most of the children available for international adoption are the children of unwed mothers. There is a huge social stigma against unmarried mothers and also a stigma against adoption. There is a movement in Korea to change these things but it will most likely take a long time. There have been more adoptions taking place in Korea but they often end in disruption (the child being returned to the orphanage.) The Korean government sees themselves as shamed because they can not find families for all the available children in their own country. They have decided to try to end international adoptions. The way they are doing this is by implementing a quota system. Each year our agency in Korea, Eastern, intakes a number of relinquished children. The Korean Government is allowing a certain number of children each year to be granted Exit Permission (EP.) Each year they lower the number of EP's by 10%. The only problem with this plan is that although it means that each year less children leave the country (which is great) it has created a backlog of children who can not get permission to leave the country.

Last year (2009) Eastern ran out of EP's sometime in May; so any children who where referred after May had to wait till January to get EP. That means that this year they had from the middle of May on as a backlog. Remember they also get 10% less EP's this year. So they had this large backlog to work through. They are slowly working through the back log but this year they will only have enough EP's to get through families who accepted their referral before the end of March. We accepted on March 22nd.

Eastern submits a batch of EP's to the ministry that approves them as soon as the previous batch is approved. It looks like a batch was approved last week. That batch was submitted on June 11th and included some January families. I don't know how far into January. It also looks like Eastern submitted a new batch for EP's the end of this week. I know that there are some February families in that batch.

So what does this all mean for us?

Our next step is to be submitted for EP. We hope that it will happen next month but hopefully at the latest it will happen in the beginning of September. We will know more when we know how far into February Eastern made it with this batch. After that happens we wait for approval. After approval we hope to travel in 1-4 weeks. SOOOO right now it looks like our travel window is the end of August to the end of October. I really want to kiss my baby on her first birthday. I would love to have her home but would be thrilled to share her birthday with her in Korea.

The really sad thing about all of this is the families who will not be able to travel this year. I am heartbroken for the families and children who are being hurt by this system. I really hope that things get better. I just don't know how that is going to happen.

Wordless Wednesday Summertime

2010-06-30T10:03:00.000-07:00

Today Is A Great Day

2010-06-29T12:47:00.000-07:00

Today has been awesome. First we set up a backyard water slide/pool we got for the boys. Michael called our agency to see if there has been updates to the workings of paper work and to see about sending a package. Our sweet social worker thought Michael was calling about an email that she had sent to him this morning. Unknowing there was an email, Michael made a mad rush to the computer only to find some of the cutest pictures of sweet Miss Abeni. She is the sweetest little thing. She is sitting up with some assistance while looking at a book and wearing an outfit we had sent. She has this amazing halo of hair. She still has the biggest brown eyes and has some very nice chunk rolls around her wrists and ankles. We are such lucky parents.

Thinking

2010-06-09T07:19:00.001-07:00

ARGHHHH I'm having a rough morning. Isaac woke up early and needed me to hold him to help his sleep. SOOOO I had about two hours to just lay there and think. Two hours for my mind to wander.... Is my baby girl ok? Is she developing normally? Is she going to be able to come home this year? What is the deal with North Korea? There isn't going to be a break out in fighting is there? WAY to much thinking time. I need to get busy so I don't feel sad.

NVC in and out!

2010-05-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

We recieved notice in the mail today that all of our US paperwork has been forwarded to the US Embassy in Seoul. Everything that happens from here on out happens on Korean soil. COME ON EP!!!

I600 Approval

2010-05-16T21:27:00.001-07:00

Our I600 approval arrived in the mail saturday. Yeah for little steps forward.

What's for dinner?

2010-05-10T18:50:00.000-07:00

Kimchi Chigae!

You all know you are jealous!

New Pictures!!

2010-05-06T22:38:00.000-07:00

Yay!!! We finally received some new pics of our baby girl. She is so adorable and getting so chunky. That foster mother is sure doing her part to win the competition of the chunkiest foster child award. She is so cute, her cheeks almost hide her enormous eyes. She has the cutest wave of hair on the front of her forehead. She even has chunky dimples on her hands... Oh Happy Day.

Children's Day

2010-05-05T21:18:00.000-07:00

Happy Children's Day! We celebrated Children's Day by taking our boys out to our favorite Korean restaurant. Miles was loving himself some bi-bim-bop. He insisted on wrapping it in lettuce just like daddy does with his dae-ji-bulgogi. I must say that Isaac was the hit of the resturant tonight the sever was carrying him around speaking to him in Korean and he was loving it.

Sick

2010-05-04T06:50:00.000-07:00

Isaac is sick. Again. How I wish there was something I could do to help him.

Just wondering....

2010-04-30T07:47:00.001-07:00

So there is a rumor out there that our agency has someone in Korea this week..... Is it true???? I should be brave and call and ask.... Oh I hope they are.... I hope they are seeing my baby and that they are taking video of her.... PLEASE let there be good adoption news today!

Fingerprints Fingerprints Fingerprints

2010-04-26T22:17:00.000-07:00

Today when we got home from therapy there was an envelope from USCIS in the mail. HOORAY I thought our I600 is making progress through the system. So Michael and I excitedly opened the envelope and there inside was..... another fingerprint appointment letter for me. In case anyone is keeping track that makes

3 Fingerprint appointment letters for me

2 Fingerprint appointment letters for Michael

0 I600 Approvals......

I called the number listed on the form and told them what had happened they told me the standard, "You must keep this appointment if you don't your application will be considered abandoned."

I called the number for the adoption unit at USCIS (yes they now have their own number :-) ) and they told me that I would be having a decision shortly and not to worry. She said that it was a contractor mistake and that when the "officer" gets my paperwork he will be able to clear it all up. I hope so.

My growing boys.

2010-04-23T10:21:00.000-07:00

Since there is NO news on the adoption front I wanted to post a little about my growing boys. They are such sweet little men and I am honored to be their mom.

Miles is still learning at such a fast pace. He is a total crack-up. Here are some recent Miles funnies.

He has designated us the "spice team."

Dad is Pepper.

Mom is Chili Powder.

Miles is Salt.

Isaac is Garlic.

Abeni is Ginger.

Our Pilot is the Spice Rack.

(Yes he came up with this all on his own.)

He walked up to me about two months ago and said "Mom call me Science." Then at Tae Kwon Do the kids were all yelling out their names before they performed and he yelled out "My name is Science."

He started calling Isaac Cupcake; "because he is small and sweet."

And then he said "You can call me Basket cause I'm big and I can be full of it."

Isaac is as sweet as ever. He is growing and is actually too tall for some of his pants. The problem is that he is so skinny that they fall of his little body. Here are some of Isaac's recent accomplishments.

Is able to go potty in the potty sometimes.

He can spell Miles (he won't spell Isaac.)

He can sing the ABC's.

He can count to 14.

Here are some of favorite things about him right now.

He is completely smitten with his Great Grandma "Happy." She is the only person he insisted on inviting to his birthday party.

He informed me this week that he "Has a serious problem."

He is super cuddly.

He has a girlfriend. He calls her "lover."

Bloggy Slacker

2010-04-17T09:30:00.000-07:00

SOOOOO I've been slacking on this blog. REALLY slacking. And I confess I am also having a hard time buying clothes for little miss. I was at a baby shower last week and my Aunt Jane asked me if I was struggling with this because I am having a hard time believing it is real. HUMMMMM I think she is on to something there. But then I was thinking it might be because it is real and I am finally getting my girl. I almost feel like our journey is over and that now we are just waiting to tie up some loose ends. You know like actually getting her home. ;-) Who knows???? Anyway I guess what this post is about is saying I am here I am still over the moon in love with my baby girl. I can't wait to have her home and I am going to start allowing myself to believe that I have been blessed with the most precious gift of all-a child. Oh and I'm going to share pics of the boys again and progress on little misses nursery and her dress and bow stash!

LEGALS HAVE ARRIVED!!

2010-04-12T22:07:00.000-07:00

Upon arriving home this evening and checking the mailbox, we found Abeni's legals have arrived. HOORAY!!!!!! We are so excited that things are moving forward. Along with receiving legals, our I600 was mailed out on Friday and should have arrived in Texas this afternoon. The I600 will then be on its way to the new streamlined facility in Missouri. This can only mean that if things continue to move at this pace, we could have our sweet angel in our arms before her first birthday. Please everyone keep your fingers crossed and the prayers in your hearts that the news keeps getting better and the wait gets shorter.

Although the disheartening thing to realize is that in her Legals is a English Version of her Birth Certificate and there are no father or mother listed. I was really hoping to have it in Korean. However, we are now the Mommy and Daddy and we love you Miss Abeni.

Fed-Ex Delivered Again

2010-04-06T21:55:00.000-07:00

So in my life right now I love the Fed-Ex man. First he brought me the original pictures of our daughter and today he brought me a gift from a friend. I have met so many adoption friends on this journey. My friend Chrisa is waiting for her referral. She is a jewelry designer and sent me the most gorgeous bracelet. I LOVE IT! It really represents how I feel about my little one and all of the good things about this journey. She has a website check out the link here http://www.chrisawest.com/

What's in a Name?

2010-03-27T07:26:00.001-07:00

When Michael and I were expecting our first child we spent LOTS of time discussing names. We both suggested names that we thought "sounded good." We both suggested family names. We thought and thought and talked and talked. Then we decided we really wanted to name our children names that had meaning and significance.

A few days before Miles was born we were still thinking about names. Michael was searching the internet and looked up nick-names for Michael. He found Miles, an old nickname for Michael which means soldier. We loved that name and when Miles was born it fit him perfectly. We added the middle name Kent in honor of my grandfather. He was a loving and caring man and we wanted Miles to have those traits.

When I found out I was expecting our second child Miles was only 14 months old. He was very verbal. I asked him when I was 2 or three months along I told him, "Mommy is going to have a baby brother or sister. What do you think we should name the baby?" He looked up at me with those big blue eyes and said, "Happy." He stuck with "Happy" through the remainder of my pregnancy so when it came close to time to have Isaac we looked for names that meant happy. We found Isaac which means "he will laugh." We thought it was a lovely name and when Isaac was born the name fit him perfectly. We chose the middle name Lynn to honor a man who had a great influence in Michael's life.

I have looked at lots of name books and websites in my life. I don't remember when but a long time ago I came across the name Abeni. It is an African name that means, we prayed for this little girl and God gave her to us. Sometimes the meaning is shortened to girl prayed for. I loved that meaning and thought if I ever had a daughter I would name her Abeni. (Ab like Abby, a like a ball, and nee like knee.) We will be leaving her Korean name as her middle name. We are considering giving her an american middle name also. We haven't decided on that yet.

Now What and When?

2010-03-22T17:28:00.001-07:00

So since we have made the announcement of our referral we have been getting lots of questions. The two most common are.....

First What happens now? and Second When will you get her?

Here is the answer to question one.

1. We are still so happy with our referral that I don't think our feet have touched the ground. We have lots of steps to go through in order to bring sweet little Abeni home. Basically we get to play paperwork ping-pong between the US government, our US agency, the Korean Government, our Korean agency, and us. The poor paperwork ball gets bounced around a lot; it is quite confusing I will do my best to explain here.

1. First we signed official acceptance paperwork. This paperwork all had to be notarized and we sent it back to the agency of Thursday March 11th.

2. Our US Agency will compile all of the paperwork and send it off in a package to Korea. This happened Monday March 22nd. (There have been some paperwork mix-ups already)

3. Our Korean Agency will ok the match and then send "legal" paperwork to our US Agency.

4. Our US Agency will take that paperwork, send us a copy, file for an interstate compact, and file an I600 form with the US customs and imigartion (hereafter referred to as USCIS.) We will then wait for approval from USCIS. The Interstate Compact is an agreement between Utah and Colorado that gives permission for us to have Abeni in our care even though she is in the legal custody of AAC. The purpose of the paperwork with USCIS is to designate our little girl as an immediate relative and say that we will sponsor her to enter the US.

5. The USCIS will send the approval to the National Visa Center (NVC.) This step is referred to as NVC in.

6. The NVC will send all of the paperwork to The US Embassy in Seoul. This step is referred to as NVC out.

7. The US Embassy will complete a "P3" and send it to the Korean Agency.

8. The Korean Agency will submit an Exit Permit (EP) request to the Korean Government.

9. The Korean Government will approve the EP. (Steps 8&9 are taking a long time right now.)

10. Abeni will make a personal appearance at the US Embassy in Seoul.

11. Abeni will have her "Visa Interview" with the US Embassy in Seoul.

12. The Korean Agency will call our US Agency and tell them we can travel at any time. We will receive the magic "Travel Call."

13. We get to go to Korea and bring our little girl home!!!!!!

We have been in contact with our agency about how long we are expected to wait for travel call and we are being told around eight months. This timeline could change one way or the other.

To answer the "when will you get her" question.

We really don't know for sure there are some slow downs in the adoption process right now. We are hoping to have her home around her first birthday

I-600A approval!

2010-03-16T13:36:00.000-07:00

We received our I-600A approval in the mail today! This is great news! Now as soon as our little girls legals arrive from Korea we can begin the process of bringing her into the US!

Happy Birthday Kicker!!

2010-03-15T07:28:00.001-07:00

So Isaac turned three years old yesterday! We are so lucky to be able to kiss and cuddle him on his big day. He was thrilled to be the center of attention and have "ultimate power." Michael had to work so his birthday party will be next week. We had a little celebration yesterday though. He chose a purple cake with sprinkles. Miles gave him some cute little Mickey Mouse Pajamas. Here are some photos of my little man.

A few hours old.

A few days old.

One year old.

Two years old.

Three years old! What a great kid!!!!

Private Blog

2010-03-14T08:48:00.001-07:00

Some of you long time readers have still not e-mailed me for an invite to my private blog. Here is my e-mail in case you still want an invite wowluckymama@gmail.com .

About our girl.

2010-03-10T07:01:00.001-08:00

Our daughter is four and a half months old. She weighs just over 10 lbs. and is 21 inches tall. She laughs out loud, and holds her head up when on her belly. She sleeps almost all day waking up every 3-4 hours to eat. She is described as "adorable" and "cute and alert" in her paperwork. She stops crying when she hears her foster mother.

Seriously!

2010-03-07T20:28:00.000-08:00

How many times can I look at the same two pictures! She is so stinking cute

Going to sleep!

2010-03-06T06:38:00.001-08:00

In Korea right now my daughter is falling asleep in her foster mothers arms. Sleep well little one! Here is my referral day letter to Abeni.

Dear Abeni,

You are a gorgeous baby! Today Daddy and I saw your face for the first time. You are a tough little cookie. Miles was so excited to see you he kept saying "She is amazing!" "I can't believe we got our referral." "She is my cute sister." Isaac said "we call her abby she be my baby." I love to look at the picture of you and think about what you will like to do. I wonder if you will be a tom-boy like me or more of a girly-girl. Will you like to read or draw? Will you be wild like Miles or more cuddly like Isaac? You have an amazing foster mother who is taking such good care of you. I can't wait until I have you in my arms. I hope you grow up strong and happy. Daddy and I will be doing everything we can to get to Korea to get you soon. We love you little girl.

We have a daughter!

2010-03-05T20:49:00.001-08:00

We are thrilled to announce the referral of our daughter. We are thrilled she is gorgeous wonderful and perfect! At our agency request we will not be posting pictures on this public blog. E-mail me for an invite to my private blog.

2010-03-05T12:42:00.001-08:00

;-)

FIVE!!!!!!!!!!

2010-03-03T20:00:00.000-08:00

We moved up to number five on the waiting list this afternoon. It honestly feels like a milestone. We are getting so close. Our little girl is out there and soon we will see her face.

Okay All You Readers

2010-02-28T08:50:00.000-08:00

Now we have had our blog for almost two years and have loved that we have so many readers... We have a Live Feed that shows from where people are coming to our blog or from which country or state. We have noticed many new people are coming, which is awesome. However we do not know many of you. So I am asking that those who come and check us out, please leave a little detailed comment about who you are and how you found our blog (if you remember). Obviously you are learning about my little family and our adventure of bringing home our little angel from Korea. Please do not be shy, you know we are not... We are firm believers of making friends with whomever where ever. Thanks for coming and reading our blog, we can't wait to get to "know" you.

Blog Makeover Issues Resolved

2010-02-27T15:03:00.001-08:00

What do you all think of the new look? Thanks Heather.

Peace

2010-02-22T10:39:00.000-08:00

This song keeps running through my head today:

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev’ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast’ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697 translated Jane Borthwick

Blog Makeover Issues

2010-02-17T10:23:00.001-08:00

I'm having blog makeover issues..... Don't mind me while I try to figure this out!

Thanks

2010-02-10T18:47:00.000-08:00

To everyone who responded to my last post. I have been taught, encouraged, and helped more then I can express. I am much more calm. Thank you so much my friends!

Alright....

2010-02-09T07:04:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling a little hopeless at this time and I really need some help. I need to know that this is going to happen. Sometimes I feel like I am not worthy of another child. I wonder if somehow the list is slowing down because I am not meant to have a daughter. SOOOOO all you lovely AAC families out there can you help me calm down. Would you mind sharing the last little bit of your journey? About how long was your wait from #6 to referral? Did you ever get scared that you would be the one it wouldn't happen for? What did you do to get through the wait? I would really appreciate the support. You can leave your comments here or just send them to my email. Some of you have my personal e-mail but if you don't I set up a blog e-mail. it is mathewsadoption @ hotmail . com.

And the winner is.....

2010-02-07T09:19:00.000-08:00

Karen and Juli Rich!!!!! Congrats ladies!

We are thrilled with the fact that we were able to raise $600 dollars toward our adoption fund. WAHOOO!!!! Thanks so much!

I600A

2010-02-03T20:40:00.000-08:00

SOOOO we are still waiting for our I600A approval. I am not loving this! I called AAC today and they said that USCIS has 90 days to approve our application. We are at the two month mark since we first sent it in. Not that we are in a big hurry for this right now because we are still #6. I am so hopeless right now. I am scared that this adoption is never going to happen. I have to tell myself fear is the antithesis of faith.

15 Months (really this time!)

2010-01-31T21:31:00.001-08:00

Ok so clearly I can't count! We have officially been waiting 15 months tomorrow. (Not last month like I posted then oops.) I am actually doing ok right now. I keep telling myself that just because I can't see a finish line does not mean it isn't there. God is in control of all things. I give my life to Him. He is my Master. My control freak personality sometimes overrides my desire to be a humble and child-like daughter to my Father. I am learning and trying. I see His hand in all things in my life. His hand is surly in our waiting longer then we want for our child. He is my all knowing, all loving, all seeing Father. I trust Him. So my friends what had God taught you this week?

Oh and a shout out to T who is in Korea right now picking up her sweet Babycakes. I wish for you a joyful trip.

Today

2010-01-29T10:24:00.001-08:00

Missing my baby actually feels good today. I know that she is being well cared for by her foster family. I can't wait to see her face and know who she is. Abeni I feel you in my heart and can't wait to feel you in my arms. I love you baby girl.

7 YEARS!

2010-01-18T21:08:00.000-08:00

Michael and I have been married seven years today. We had a great anniversary celebration! So for the last seven years my life has been completely different then it was before. Here are seven adjectives to describe my wonderful best friend.

1. Adventurous
I am a homebody but Michael is always up for a crazy adventure and that is what our marriage has been. There is never a dull moment when he is around I am loving the ride.

2. Entertaining
I can't believe how many voices my husband has. He can mimic most every character I remember from my childhood (and some I can't.) He certainly makes everyone around him laugh.

3. Comfortable
I love that Michael and I are so comfortable. I have never met anyone who makes me feel the way he does. Still to this day I am most myself when I am in his arms.

4. Passionate
Don't worry not in a gross way! Michael is passionate about life and what he believes in. He lives his life with his whole self and I am blessed to be something that he is passionate about.

5. Humble
Michael is so willing to change. He is always learning and growing and striving to be a better person. I learn from his example how to become a more shapable Child of God.

6. Gentle
There is nothing I love more then being held in Michael's big strong arms. And nothing I love more then seeing those same arms comfort and cuddle my children.

7. Strong
Michael and I have been through some rough stuff in our marriage and he has been my strength through all of it. We can do anything if we stand together.

I love my hubby! He truly is the half that makes me whole. I am so grateful that God placed him in my life that together we can journey into our eternity!

Weekends

2010-01-16T05:53:00.000-08:00

I used to really look forward to weekends. I loved the idea of staying in bed with the covers draped over me. I loved the idea of Michael having a few days off. I loved the slower pace of the weekends. WELLLLLLLL Now I am the wife of a soldier; weekends off are un-heard of. I am the mommy of a boy who has sleep issues; sleeping past six is insane in his mind. I am a waiting mommy and the idea of no news for a weekend drives me crazy. This is a three day weekend. SOOOOOO let's recap something fun shall we. Our in progress I-600A approval. We mailed in our application for I600A on December 5th. We received our first fingerprint appointment letter in the mail December 22nd. And then SURPRISE a second fingerprint letter arrived the first week of January. After freaking out a little I used a lifeline and phoned a friend she told me to just take both notices and go to the first time slot. So bright and early in the morning on January 8th we dropped our boys off with a friend (thanks M.) We went to the USCIS office and showed them both letters; the receptionist filled one out and threw the other away. Then we filled out more paperwork and when we were done he put us right at the top of the line. There were lots of people there so this was a huge blessing. A few minutes later we were out the door. Now I am stalking our mailbox waiting for our approval. Our agency warned us that our state is SLOW and it could take three months. I sure hope not.

The Good and the Bad

2010-01-13T15:27:00.000-08:00

We are home from the hospital and Ker is doing very well. He is not his normal self but overall is doing GREAT! There were three reasons that we took Isaac in today so I will go over each of them in their own paragraph then summarize at the end.

Airway:
Because Isaac has been struggling so hard to breath at night his Dr.'s were concerned that his airway was damaged when he had been intubated previously. This damage can cause the airway to become too small and create difficulty breathing. We had his airway sized today and it was slightly smaller then we would expect for his size but shouldn't be causing his breathing problems. So that is good news. It also leads to more questions. Not sure where to go with this from here.

Brain:
Isaac's brain is not perfectly normal. We know this. There is a change in the structure of his brain a little bit of damage that they didn't see before. This is just a structural thing and we don't know what that means functionally now or in the future. We are going to see the neurologist again in February and will ask LOTS of questions.

Heart:
Isaac's heart looks about like we expected. There was a little bit of injury to the vessel that we had been unable to see before because of the way we were imaging his heart. We were able to see it today and that tells us that he defiantly did have a heart-attack back at 4 1/2 months. There is nothing in his heart imaging that would explain his pale coloring and cold extremities. We are going to go in and see his cardiologist so she can evaluate him in her office when he is not sedated.

Summary:
Nothing shocking was seen in any of these tests. It doesn't appear that his airway is the cause of his problems. It doesn't appear that his brain is the cause of his problems. It doesn't appear that his heart is the cause of his problems. SOOOOO Why is he so cold and pale? I will be following up with all of the specialists involved in his care and taking him to his general pediatrician and try to find some answers. Anyone have any ideas?

Thanks to everyone for their prayers and well wishes. We are so blessed to be surrounded by loving family and friends.
On another note we are still having our Wii giveaway and fundraising event. Feel free to pass the info along to your friends.

Isaac's Tests

2010-01-12T15:19:00.000-08:00

Isaac will be having a series of tests done tomorrow. He will have to be placed under general anesthesia. We will be looking at his heart, his brain, and his air-way. Please pray that the Dr.'s will be led to find the cause of his recent problems, that we as his parents can make wise decisions, and that Isaac will tolerate the procedures well.

We would like to give a friend a Wii.

2010-01-07T08:38:00.000-08:00

Ok everyone we want to give one of our many friends a Wii. We are also going to have a short period of time where we will be accepting donations for our Abeni Fund. These two ideas are related. We are super close to being able to bring Abeni home with no debt and are asking our friends and family for help. Anyone who is willing to donate to our Abeni fund just click on the "chip in" on the side of our blog. We are accepting any type of donation and will be sending one of our (randomly selected) friends a Wii as a thank you gift for donating. For every $5 increment, we will consider your name one time. Let's say for example that you donated $5 to our Abeni fund we would think of your name one time when we were randomly choosing who to whom to send the Wii. If you donated $10 and linked our blog from your blog we would think of you three times. So linking your blog or your facebook will help us remember you when it comes time to give the Wii away. You can donate any amount that you would like. We will be keeping track of all our friends and family who donate in an Excel spreadsheet so it will be easier to choose the Randomly selected friend. We will be randomly selecting the friend on the 7th of February 2010.

After you have donated and If you link our blog from yours:
Send a email with the link to your blog to: mathewsadoption@hotmail.com

And you link facebook to our blog just send an email through facebook to Ari or Michael.

UPDATE: Turns out lots of friends already have Wii's. So if you are the friend chosen and you already have a Wii, we will just send you a check for the amount of the Wii. Thanks again everyone.

15 months

2010-01-01T21:29:00.000-08:00

Well as of today we have waited 15 months to be matched with our little girl. SIGH......... I have really been doing well with the wait (on the outside anyway.) But today being the first day of a new year and the 15 month mark has been hard. I really hope it isn't much longer till we see our little girls face.

Christmas, #6, and outfit pics...

2009-12-28T19:58:00.000-08:00

Christmas was joyful and wild at our house. I had so much fun watching the joy on their faces when they opened their gifts.

We are now #6 on the adoption list. Notice that all of the dominoes are upright. The family that was on hold is no longer on hold. That is good news for them I really hope they have their referral very soon.

Abeni received this little Asian inspired outfit from my two Aunts. I loved it so much and today when I was walking trough Macy's I saw the rest of the line was on clearance for half off Michael and I picked up the sweet little dress. I love shopping for my little girl.

Two bits of News

2009-12-22T19:37:00.000-08:00

We are now officially Number 6. We also have our fingerprint appointment with USCIS. Yay, it feels so nice to get closer to bringing our baby home.

Movie Review-Or my thoughts about myself after watching a movie.

2009-12-22T07:23:00.001-08:00

So last night Michael brought home "My Sisters Keeper" and I snuggled up on the couch with my favorite quilt to watch while he worked on powerwheels. First let me say that I loved that this movie made me think. I have a sick child. There I said it. I sometimes pretend that he is fine but in reality he is sick. Isaac is not terminally ill he is chronically ill. He will be sick for his entire life he will require care his entire life. I have a healthy child who sacrifices every day for his sick sibling. Every day he gives things up for his brother. He doesn't give up body parts or anything but yes he gives up little bits of himself. I know that Miles doesn't mind you can see the love he has for his brother; he cuddles him kisses him and even helps me talk him into putting on his oxygen at night. Michael and I try hard to be sure that Miles still feels important and valued and I think we will work even harder on that after watching this movie.

At the beginning of the movie the father says "Having a child who is sick is a full time occupation. Sure we still enjoy the usual day to day happinesses of family life...But beneath the exterior there are cracks that threaten the very foundation of our everyday lives... at any moment our whole world could come tumbling down." I loved that line it such an accurate description of my life sometimes. We cling to Isaac so tightly and would do anything to help him. I have therapy appointments for him three days a week we are on a first name basis with WAY to many Dr's. Trust me you never want your Dr. to say "but your child is so unique" or "it is so good to see you I feel like we are family." But at the same time it is nice to have so many people in our corner fighting for what we are fighting for, a good life for Isaac. There was a time when I was sure Isaac was going to die. I remember feeling so helpless when I thought about having to decide to let him go. I remember feeling so angry that he was laying there sick in a hospital bed while everything else just went on like normal.

So am I being the best mom I can be to the Miles and Isaac? Am I strengthening my relationship with Michael? Did you know parents of special needs kids have a 80% divorce rate? I am trying but this movie made me think that I need to try harder. I need to focus on the relationship I have with Miles and I need to focus on the relationship I have with Michael. Do I need to let Isaac go a little more? We are going to add another child to our family and I know I will love her just as I love my boys but is it really fair to bring her into a family with a sick child? Can I give her the family she needs and the attention she needs from me? I think the answer is yes but I will need to be aware of that relationship just like I am aware of the others in my life.

My goals for my children are for them to be themselves. I want them to love their siblings. I don't ever want them to feel like Mile- Isaac's brother. I want him to be Miles the amazing, smart, fun, loving, little boy that he is. I want Abeni to be herself. I want Isaac to be Isaac; not the sick brother. So I will do my best to make that happen for my kids.

I'm sending my thoughts out into the virtual world I think I just needed to think out-loud. So if you are still reading this thanks. If you have any advice please share. If you want to just point out a flaw in my thinking feel free.

Look what I made this morning!

2009-12-18T11:23:00.000-08:00

Miles has been telling me lately that he has super powers so this morning I made these for him and his brother. I think they turned out super cute!

Thankful Thursday

2009-12-17T14:18:00.000-08:00

When I was young my mother used to listen to a Christmas song by Barbara Streisend. It was called "The Best Gift."
Here are the lyrics.

The best gift
That I ever got
Didn't really weigh a lot
It didn't have a ribbon 'round
And it sometimes made the terrible sound
The best of all it seems to me
It wasn't neath the Christmas tree
And yet, I guess I'd have to say
That it made all the other presents twice as gay
The best gift that I've ever known
I'd always wanted most to own
Yet in my dreams of sugar and spice
I never thought it could be so nice
The best gift that I ever get
Was sometimes dry and sometimes wet
Was usually pink but oftentimes red
As it lay so innocently in its bed
The best gift of the year to me
The one I hold most dear to me
A gift that simply drove me wild
Was a tiny new born child...

I love my boys they are my joy and my laughter. I am truly blessed to hold their little hands, dry their little tears and share their little victories. They make Christmas the most wonderful time of the year.

Answers....

2009-12-11T15:05:00.000-08:00

I opened this up to friends on facebook so some of the questions are very basic like

Question:
You are adopting? Do tell.

Answer:
We are adopting! We are thrilled to be adding a little girl to our family from South Korea!

Question:
Why South Korea?

Answer:
Michael and I feel that we are able to offer a child from South Korea with a the most connection to her birth country. We have both been to Korea. Michael even served an LDS mission there for two years. Michael speaks Korean, and we have Korean friends who can teach our daughter about Korea.

Question:
What is going on with Isaac right now:

Answer:
Kicker never ceases to amaze us! He is doing so well. He has speech, physical, and occupational therapy those appointments add up to about three times a week. He is walking and is working on running and jumping. He is also working on building his speech memory. Currently we are working through some concerns about his sleep and his heart. He is iron deficient and we are really working hard on getting his nutrition where it needs to be.

Question:
Through all of this.....what have leaned on for your support to get through the tough times?

Answer:
Wow this question made me think introspectively. Michael is my primary source of comfort and support. He lifts me up when I am down and seems to always know what I need from him to calm my storms. Outside of him I have an amazing family! I lean on my mom and my dad and my two aunts more then any other people in the world. My mom is able to help me see that I am blessed beyond belief when I feel overwhelmed. My aunt Juli is a comforter and understanding of the struggles more then anyone I have met. My aunt Karen helps those around her in such a quiet gentle manner. I think that often the things she does go unnoticed and unacknowledged.

So that is it for questions and answers thanks everyone for asking. I had fun!

Questions and Answers

2009-12-08T10:23:00.000-08:00

So as I sit here and wait... (I'm trying to not let it get to me but it really is). I've decided that it is time to do a question and answer post. Is there something you are dying to know about our family? Wondering why we are adopting? Something about the adoption process that you want clarification on? Wondering about Kickers health? Anything is open for discussion. I will moderate comments for this post so no one will know who asked what but me. Also don't worry about offending me I am a pretty easy going person so it takes a lot to offend me. I will leave this post up for a while so ask away.

I600A

2009-12-05T08:00:00.000-08:00

Question: So if you were the government and you knew a parent would pay ANY amount of money to get their child home, how much would you charge for a two sheet "pre-approval for adoption."

Answer: $830

My response "this is crazy" now lets hurry and get it submitted. Those who know me know I get kinda sick spending large amounts of money ohhhh say anything over $100. But I couldn't get this application and check in the mail fast enough!

Next step... referral!

Hoping Hoping

2009-12-01T07:25:00.001-08:00

HOPING really hoping for good news today.

I like to move it move it....

2009-11-20T20:16:00.000-08:00

and right now it looks like the waiting list likes to move to. We are now #7/6!!!!!!! I can't believe that we are finally getting close. I wonder now often about what sweet baby girl is doing. I'm sure she is being well cared for; but I wonder how she likes to fall asleep, what makes her smile, if she has sweet little baby fat rolls, if she has hair... I just love dreaming about my little girl. Also by popular request here is a photo of the sweet little outfit I picked up for Abeni. The little pants look black but they are navy blue. I am thinking she needs red shiny or gold ballet flats to go with it. Does anyone else have an opinion?

I finally did it.

2009-11-13T21:06:00.000-08:00

I finally did it. I went shopping and bought an outfit for Abeni. I think I have shown remarkable restraint to this point. I can't wait to see my little girl.

#8

2009-11-12T22:09:00.000-08:00

We called to verify and we are #8/7 on the list. WAHOOO!!

Another Rumor

2009-11-12T08:25:00.000-08:00

Do you think we moved up on the list again???? There is a rumor that says we did. Could we be #7/#8???????

"Ment to be"

2009-11-05T07:50:00.000-08:00

So adoption is complicated and has me thinking lots about deep and complicated situations. One of the things that has been on my thoughts lately is the phrase "this child was ment to be with our family." I have read the writings of adult adoptees on this very subject and they really struggle with how could an all good all loving God allow their birth family and themselves to suffer such a loss. I have been thinking on this and trying to sort this all out in my mind. I have come to the following conclusion. God is all good but we as people are not. He knows that we will make mistakes he knows that the birth families of children placed for adoption will not be able to parent them. Does that make it right? I don't think so. Does it make it part of his plan for the life of those involved I think so. I feel that God knows what will happen in our lives before it will happen. That does not eliminate our chances to choose for ourselves because we still can choose. For example if I know Miles is going to do something that doesn't mean he has to do it just that he will. So here are my feeling on if Abeni is "ment to be with our family."

1. God loves Abeni, her birth family, and our family.

2. God wants what is best for all of us.

3. God knows how Abeni will come to our family. He knows that there is hurt involved in that situation.

4. God does not want for any of his children to hurt.

So I think that it is part of God's plan for Abeni that she come into our family. I don't like the phrase "ment to be" because for me it oversimplifies a complicated situation.

#9

2009-11-05T07:45:00.000-08:00

As of monday we are #9 on the waiting list. There is a family on hold that will likely be on hold for a while longer so that makes us #8. The family who received their referral on Thursday is one of my online buddies. Congrats to Jamie and her family their little girl is such a sweet little thing with LOTS of hair.

To my Korean Princess

2009-11-01T20:53:00.000-08:00

Abeni,

Hey baby girl, Dad here. Just wanted to let you know that we are still waiting for you and we haven't given up on Korea sending you home. It has been one year since we sent in our official application to show we were ready to bring a sweet baby girl into our home. I often dream about you, my first dream I was able to see your face and put you in your crib after rocking you to sleep. I knew right then we were on the right track and that God was preparing the lives of two wonderful people to cross paths and share the blessing of bringing you into this world. I am sorry that your biological mother will not be able to care for you personally. However, know that she is taking care of you by placing you with our family and that she has faith that we will take care of you as well as she would if she was able. Some will ask why you look differently than your parents and your brothers, know that you will always be able to tell them that "I am a child of God, and that I do like my brothers (future sister) and parents." Sweetheart, I am counting down to the time where mom and I can come to you, take you into our warm embrace, and carry you to your new home. Don't worry about the future, who you are, or where you come from. Dad plans on teaching you Korean and about your heritage so that one day, you will be able to know and understand that part of your life. As often as permits we will go as a family to Korea, and maybe your aunt Insook will let you come stay at her house so you can get to know part of Daddy's Korean family. Sweet Angel, I long to hold you in my arms, I can't wait to be there for the tea parties, the dress up, and your first date. I can not promise that I won't be to embarrassing, I will try to keep my distance. Would you say two car lengths behind will be sufficient? Love you, and am dreaming about you.

Dad!

One year ago today...

2009-10-31T23:03:00.000-07:00

we mailed in our formal application. We have been waiting one year for our little one. There have been good and bad days but I can honestly say I am learning growing and will be ready when God sends Abeni to us. Here is last years post. I will write a new letter to my girl in the morning.

I have decided at every major adoption milestone I will write a letter to Abeni, so when she is older and wonders she can know just how loved she was before she was ever born.

Abeni,

Today we mailed in the Formal application to adopt you. But did you know..... before Daddy and I even got married we talked about adopting you. Did you know..... even though we weren't the first people to hold you we held you in our hearts for years before we held you in our arms. Did you know...... Miles and Isaac waited for you too. Miles often tells me "we are missing our stister Abeni." He also shared his fruit snacks with you before you were born. Did you know...... we thought about you planned for you and worried about you for years before we finally held you. So today as we officially begin our journey to you I wanted you to know that we love you little girl. We are waiting anxiously to see your face to hold your hand to learn about the person you are and watch you grow into the woman you will be.

Love Mom

Japchae

2009-10-22T19:47:00.000-07:00

I made one of my favorite Korean meals today! Check out this link... I've only tried the Japchae but it was delish! The picture doesn't really do it justice.
http://aeriskitchen.com/

Dominoes

2009-10-12T06:51:00.001-07:00

I'm going to make my dominoes picture and post it tonight. I'm just so blah blah blah about this wait. This adoption stuff is hard. Honestly when we signed up we were thinking (read we were told) 18-24 months for placement. That is really what was happening at the time. Now we are at 11 1/2 months of being on the list and aren't even close. I keep hoping that things will start happening again. But it seems if it's not one thing it's another. First there was just a general slow down, then Eastern got a new director, then lots of new job assignments slowed things down, now there is some sort of audit going on..... I don't know. At this point mathematically speaking we could get our referral 7-8 months from now so around May or June! Waiting is just painful.

It's official!

2009-09-21T17:27:00.000-07:00

Well the two families who received referrals have finally posted their announcements so I feel like I can say.... WE ARE NUMBER ELEVEN!!!! Also there is a family on hold that may be on hold a while longer so we could be number 10! I am so thrilled for K and C. Congrats ladies!!!!

Rumors are flying....

2009-09-18T14:49:00.000-07:00

There are rumors of movement on the list... I think we will be #11/10 early next week. WAHOOO

Getting Scared

2009-09-08T09:30:00.001-07:00

(warning this post may not going to be very politically correct) Well it is the 8th of September. On Thursday it will have been three months since there was any movement on the waiting list...... I am honestly getting scared. I am scared that we have put our hopes and dreams into this and it's not going to happen. I'm scared that I will dream about this little girl forever and never get to see her face. I am scared that I will never hear baby laughter again in our home. I am scared that someone out there knows something and they are not telling the waiting families. I am scared that the chances of us fulfilling this dream we had for the last 8 years are going to slip through our fingers. I just don't know how much more of the waiting I can take. I want a baby! Before we got on the list last summer it was moving very quickly. There were referrals all the time; three or more some months. We went on the list ten months ago and since then there have been 14 referrals. So if we assume that the last three months are just a fluke and that there will eventually be girl referrals again. There have been about 1.4 referrals per months if this continue at this rate... we are about 10 more months from referral. So............. I would expect a referral next July!!!!!! That is not what I am hoping for. This is assuming that things don't keep slowing down. I called our agency and they don't seem to know anything... They "haven't asked" Korea what is going on with referrals because there are still boy referrals coming in. There are other agencies that partner with Eastern to find families and they don't seem to be getting girl referrals either. So hopefully there are less children available for international adoption because they are being raised by their birth mothers or they are being adopted domestically. This is truly my hope! I just don't know...... I am feeling down about this whole process right now. I want to buy little girl clothes I want to be able to tell my friends and family that yes this isn't just some story Michael and I made up we are getting a little girl; we have a picture to prove it. We are going to go over to Korea and meet a baby and she will come home to our home and she will be ours. I want to find little girl toys all over the house along with the little boy toys. I want to hold her as she cries and laugh with her when she laughs. I want to have three car seats in the back of the car. I want to hear her little dreams. I want to watch her grow and learn. I want to be blessed with one more little person to love. I want the joy and the frustration that comes with parenting. I just want to know if it is going to happen or not. If not I guess I will live with that. It is the unknown that really scares me.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-09-02T15:08:00.000-07:00

And So August Ends

2009-08-31T15:40:00.000-07:00

........Still #13...........sigh..............so sad

Un lucky number 13

2009-08-10T13:50:00.000-07:00

Well I used to not be much of a superstitious girl but......triskaidekaphobia (fear of the number 13; my third grade teacher would be so surprised that I actually have found a use for that word) is setting in. It has been two months since there was any movement on the list. Though I woke up today full of hope my good mood is fading fast.

Easy bake oven

2009-08-05T11:24:00.000-07:00

I want a vintage easy bake oven. Like the ones from the 60's or 70's.

Just put it out there....

2009-08-03T20:03:00.001-07:00

Ok so I think everyone probably has something they would like to just yell into the virtual oblivion and hey it made me feel better. So inspired by Tracie here is your chance. Type in caps..... hit the keys extra hard..... just put it out there. What is driving you crazy that you feel you have no control over let's hear it. I'll go first again.

MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh and THE A*rmy STINKS!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok everyone say it with me....

2009-08-02T21:31:00.001-07:00

MOVE DANG IT MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday Miles!

2009-07-16T07:27:00.001-07:00

My sweet baby is 4 today! I am honored to be his mom. He is everything a little boy should be. I can't believe how full of life and happiness he is. We have made so many memories of him over the last four years. At four he loves to ask questions, make his mommy and daddy laugh, take care of his brother, swim, read, ride powerwheels, ride his bike, and see how things work. Enjoy this little look back at my little man.

Captain Miles defending his ship at his "pirate" 4th birthday party.

Blowing out the candles at his third birthday.

Opening presents at his second birthday.

href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_jC4PEyxwqSk/Sl9CCSw77gI/AAAAAAAADHE/oK6_HSO56zs/s1600-h/s42047ca103054_32.jpg">

First birthday photo.

href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jC4PEyxwqSk/Sl9CB_Oj6GI/AAAAAAAADG8/MR8DmuK57Tk/s1600-h/Copy+of+ariholdingmiles.JPG">

Holding my little man on his birthday.

The Ups and Downs

2009-07-15T20:59:00.000-07:00

So adopting is not for the faint of heart. The intensity of the emotions in indescribable. I hope that all of my waiting friends find peace in the journey.

One full month!

2009-07-08T07:10:00.000-07:00

It has been one full month since there was any movement on the girls list. I think the summer speed-up isn't going to happen. Things are now moving even more slowly.

Just when I get excited....

2009-06-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

Well we are still siting at #13. I really am getting quite tired of the wait. We are at one year one, one month, and six days since we sent in our preliminary application. I know we should't start counting until our formal application (7 months 4 weeks and one day) and being on the waiting list but I have been thinking about our little girl every day since the first application was sent (probably before then). I just really want the wait to be over! I know that a few more months (read 5-6) in the big scheme of things isn't really that long, but my arms and my heart hurt to know my child. I want to be able to look at her face, see her eyes. When I pray I want a face to go with the name. I am not a patient person. (Ask my mother) Ok I am done whining and I'm not sure if I should even post this but I will because I want this blog to be genuine and true. One day we will have our baby and one day I will not just look at her little face I will kiss her sweet cheeks and hold her little dimpled hands, one day all of this waiting will be worth it because I will have the most precious gift, I will have Abeni.

SUMMER TIME IS GREAT!!

2009-06-24T00:17:00.000-07:00

Tuesday afternoon was a great time. Sun was out, there was no rain in sight, and we were soaking it up. We purchased a kiddie pool for the boys to have some good ol' fashion fun in the back yard. Miles and Isaac love playing in the water and of course the biggest boy in the family loves playing in the water and with his boys. Miles pretending to be a swimming dinosaur and Isaac so thrilled to be playing the water just splashing around. I was able to be motorboat with Isaac as the passenger on my back and Miles as the motor in between my legs making motor sounds. We were going round and round in the pool for at least an hour and a half. I love summer time, especially when I am able to watch my boys enjoying it. Ari had a good time too, Isaac demanded that she get in and get the flowers on her bathing suit wet. And he liked to make us kiss. For some reason he really likes it when Ari and I kiss.. But what man in his right mind wouldn't want to kiss his sexy wifey!

Watch Me Tumble

2009-06-23T23:48:00.000-07:00

Well here is it 12:49 AM and I am not sleeping.. I normally don't sleep very well when I am away from my family. I guess the whole apprehension of leaving them for 5 weeks is also causing me to not sleep. Well anyway, Miles had his first tumbling performance on Saturday. It was so awesome, to say the least. Him and his little buddies did great (when they were able to focus). And guess whose kid was the one at the front just so excited to see Mommy and Daddy, oh yes, MILES.... Who cares, he had a blast, we were able to be there and watch our son do something great and wonderful, and both sets of Grandparents were able to drive all the way down and support him. He was so thrilled to have his Grandparents there to watch. Thanks Grandma LaWana, Papa Jay, Oma and Papa Steve you made your grandson's night.

Well that was easy.

2009-06-23T19:33:00.000-07:00

The home-study meeting is done. I really liked the social worker. She was easy to talk to and seemed very at ease. Actually being able to do something besides just sitting and waiting did make me feel great. I really love the idea of making progress. Now we just need to do a few more things to have a completed home study and then we wait again. WAHOO I am learning patience in this process. And if you were wondering no movement on the list this week.

Home Study

2009-06-22T21:43:00.000-07:00

We are starting our home study in the morning. I am excited and nervous. Wish me luck.

#13 is SO Lucky!!!

2009-06-10T09:11:00.001-07:00

We are thrilled to announce that we are number #13. Our little girl is most likely born and growing up somewhere in Korea just waiting for us.